As Trump tries to distract us from his impending impeachment proceedings by assassinating some guy and sparking World War III, it’s time to dust off the old Anderson Shelter, don the gas mask and hold tight for six years. Here is the ultimate guide to surviving the impending world war.
Keep Calm And Carry On
If they had cat memes in WWII, they’d have been prescribed. We all need to be placated. During the war, our placation needs will be much greater. So expect more exciting Snapchat and Instagram filters every day that allow you to see which type of fridge magnet or snow globe you are.
You’ll be treated to more binge-worthy Netflix series than you ever knew existed. The most exciting news will be that Friends will get a reboot. Basically, as part of the war effort, TV makers will keep us firmly sitting comfortably distracted from all that nasty bombing going on in those far away countries.
Only Stockpile Necessary Stuff
Bread will only go off if you try and stockpile it. Instead, buying loads of frozen party food will ensure that your freezer is always full.
Remember, leave some good food for other people too. Rationing probably won’t start until the war is a few years in, and when it does, you’ll be lucky if you’re allowed more than thirty cans of coke per week each.
Times will be tough, and there may be times that your blood sugar drops as low as the recommended levels, but if we all work together as a team we can survive this horrible war.
Loose Lips Sink Ships
Don’t go running your mouth off on any social media platforms with any wild statements, and don’t be free and easy with ‘intelligence’. The White House will be doing enough of this for everyone. The president is already writing out as many tweets boasting about his specific plans as possible right now, in case he is too busy playing golf during the worst bits of the war.
In The Post-Truth World, Don’t Forget The Enemy Lies The Most
There will be an almighty mud-slinging match between all of the world leaders. It may seem like our guy is a liar. But don’t forget that the enemy lies more than him and that if you are being lied to, it is only to protect you.
You No Longer Need To Worry About The Climate Crisis
Good news. While the war is on, there are more pressing issues to worry about than the climate crisis. That means that you can go back to drinking diesel, eating raw cows, and throwing your rubbish in the sea again.
Do-gooders that try and stop you from doing these things can be called traitors and enablers of the enemy.
Enjoy The New Tech
War is great because it is one of the best innovators that there is. In aid of the war effort, expect the brightest and the best in the tech industry to invent some crazy new stuff. It’ll have its uses in the war zone first, but you should definitely expect some domestic flying things that we can all use, and also iPhone screens that will never break!