1.“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”
You actually want me to sleep in a bed that resembles a hot dog bun?! Despite its profound lack of aesthetic pleasure, you must know that I’ll be napping in the ergonomically sound and simplistically gorgeous packaging box. Now that is one hot bed.
2. “It always seems impossible until it is done.”
Absurdly high towel closet attempt no. 19: I am in!
3. “Civilization is coming to an end, you understand.”
An exceptionally loud and problematically toothless adjunct is in here now. You all seem to know it as “Pickle.”
4. “Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.”
Oh, you should definitely wear those polka-dot rimmed bifocals for your first Hinge date because I’m sure as hell not sharing you or this place with any softbois.
5. “What fresh hell can this be?”
That transgressive tabby is once again on my lawn, spraying my conifer shrub and staring through my window as he’s scattering his gunk?!
6. “If I didn’t care for fun and such, I’d probably amount to much. But I shall stay the way I am, because I do not give a damn.”
If I didn’t love tossing around, licking and all but humping a catnip banana, I’d probably have eradicated all gummy appendices and aggressive urinators by now but, well, there are only so many hours in a waking day i.e. three-and-a-half.
7. “Now I know the things I know, and I do the things I do; and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you!”
Since you have routinely failed to accommodate my every habitable need, I will now be residing exclusively at Apartment 2B where they always greet my sudden yet sophisticated arrival with infinite boxes and zero wailers/pissers. But then again 3C have super soft velour cushions… And 5D has the most delectable bedspread I’ve ever… Oh, what divine alternate living arrangements have I!
8. “Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.”
Re: tabby and/or adjunct.
9. “Creativity is a wild mind & a disciplined eye.”
Re: towel closet.
10. “Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.”
One day I’m going to haul you out of your saliva-stained, non-boxy bed just to say, “Good morning, Algy!” Even though your name’s not Algy. What is it again? I forget. Anyway, but then I’ll mysteriously disappear for hours, leaving you wondering if I’m ever coming back.
12. “Not just plain terrible. This was fancy terrible; this was terrible with raisins in it.”
Vegan anchovies? Your anthropomorphizing has reached a new zenith.
13. “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”
Well, you know what? It’s about time a remedy was discovered. Getting locked inside a highly questionable garage approximately 2.4 km from home is becoming more and more tedious.
14. “You might as well live.”
As Pickle the blunted bawler isn’t actually yours, I’ll abandon my attempt to sever the arteries in your forearm. This time.
15. “You do what you can, and you do it because you should. But all you can do is all you can do.”
I could give you my own detailed, exhaustive account but this listicle about the “27 Cray Cray Things Humans Write Listicles About” is right on the money.