by Jackson Weaver
With the like thousandth democratic debate happening, it has become clearer than ever that we need a quick way to wrap this whole thing up. Having watched absolutely none of the debates, here’s a few ways I think we can speed these primaries up:
Have the candidates stand with their hands firmly on the podium. When Don Lemon says the words “nose goes,” the first candidate to touch their nose gets the nomination.
When any moderator or audience member asks Andrew Yang, “why are you giving away free money?” have an all-out knife fight begin. The candidate with the most blood remaining after 5 minutes gets the nomination.
Put them on a sports yelling show on ESPN and see who says the phrase “Dallas Cowboys, America’s team.”
The candidates will have a chance to compete like “normal Americans” by going to and betting on the Indy 500. The candidate whose driver had the most sunburnt people bet on them will win.
Winner of the Young Miss Ohio River Valley ages 5 to 7 will perform an eenie meenie miney moe on all the candidates.
Candidates will have to pick their vice presidents earlier than usual. The VP’s will then be the bottoms for a chicken fight hosted by CNN.
Now that Beto has dropped out, candidates all will watch an episode of Dora the Explorer. Whoever gets the most Spanish phrases correct will receive the nomination.
Candidates will show their patience as well as technological intellect as they teach Joe Biden how to do something on an iPad. First one that is able to get him to log into his email will be the victor.
The first candidate to explain to Pete Buttigieg why people played that game where you toss a ball on a string into a cup has the nomination.
Candidates will play rock, paper, scissors, old white guy, culturally oppressive backstory.
– rock smashes scissors
– scissors cut paper
– paper imposes racially biased SAT questions on culturally oppressive backstory
– culturally oppressive backstory cancels old white guy
– old white guy purchases scissors
– scissors shreds culturally oppressive backstory’s hopes and dreams
– culturally oppressive backstory throws rock in protest
– rock kills old white guy
– old white guy writes check on paper
– paper covers rock