Hello, I Am A Freelance Writer Who Specializes In Judging Meghan Markle

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by Rosalind Moran

Dear editor of Pile On Magazine,

I’m getting in touch to propose a series of articles for Pile On that I believe would be of interest to your audience. I am a freelance writer specialising in the judgment, denigration, and broader ongoing coverage and condemnation of Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex and accused narcissist-gold-digger-monarchy-destroying-Canada-fanatic-succubus-alien-spawn. I am also a long-time reader of your publication.

The articles I propose would seek to place Markle’s present words and actions into an archetypal narrative within which she would occupy the pivotal role of the homewrecking, biracial-but-not-that-it-matters American. Previous incarnations of the ‘divisive wife’ character have fit well within the intergenerational drama that is the UK royal family, proving both popular with audiences and profitable for publications. Take the astute casting of Wallis Divorcée Was-She-A-Hermaphrodite Simpson in the role, or Diana Divorcée Public-Scrutiny Spencer, who both continue to be speculated about long after their deaths. In my work, I would seek to foster similar notoriety and potential for ongoing profit through my insights into Meghan Will-She-Divorce-Harry Markle. What’s more, the story arc will look great in future seasons of The Crown.

My articles would craft a narrative, a mythology for Markle to grow into – one salacious and compelling enough to frame her whole life in the public eye, no matter her future actions. Double standards would be applied liberally to help twist her every move into seamlessly logical character development along established, archetypal lines. I would also seek to draw on popular tropes of women in constructing Markle’s image, with especial focus placed on witches, snitches, and rich bitches.

Here are just a few of my proposed articles – hopefully they help illustrate the direction in which I intend to direct Meghan’s narrative throughout her lifetime:

–          ‘Meghan breaks Britain – will Canada be next?’

–          ‘Meghan snubs crown and Earth’s temperatures soar. Scientist says she could be responsible’

–          ‘Meghan complains about use of polar bear in fur industry – jobs lost, lives destroyed’

–          ‘What Meghan could learn from Kate’

–          ‘Why Meghan must be called out for copying Kate’

–          ‘Meghan loves privacy – but does she have something to hide?’

–          ‘Here’s what I learnt from a week of tapping Meghan Markle’s phone’

–          ‘We asked Meghan about life after 40 – here are her answers’

–          ‘Why is Meghan so obsessed with talking about her age?’

–          ‘Why Meghan is an unrealistic and oppressive symbol of ageing’

–          ‘Why we need to stop talking about Meghan Markle’

–          ‘My year of not following SussexRoyal on Instagram’

–          ‘Meghan should give up on her public platform if she cares about mental health’

–          ‘Did Meghan just quit internet and public life? Queen rumoured to be rolling in grave’

–          ‘Meghan selfishly deprives the public of news about her family life; International Transparency rates SussexRoyal poor’

–          ‘…Where is Meghan?’

–          ‘Rumours Meghan exiled to the island of St. Helena’

–          ‘Rumours Meghan living exorbitant lifestyle on the island of St. Helena’

–          ‘Meghan found! “I never left Canada,” she claims’

–          ‘Meghan’s 50th birthday party – “shamelessly self-focused,” says trusted friend’

–          ‘Meghan claims to be depressed – which is a LIE, because the press is very much with her always’

–          ‘Meghan lies about depression’

–          ‘Exclusive: is Meghan a compulsive liar?’

(And so on).

It should be noted that I have extensive experience in the Markle-based journalistic tradition. I am skilled at employing persuasive linguistic conventions of the genre in my writing, such as replacing the words ‘show’ with ‘flaunt’, ‘say’ with ‘claim’, ‘suggest’ with ‘tell’, ‘ask’ with ‘demand’, ‘plan’ with ‘scheme’, ‘marry’ with ‘steal’, and ‘chooses’ with ‘behaves like a selfish bitch, the vixen.’ As such, my articles about Markle are invariably eye-catching and frequently lauded for their no-nonsense, ‘telling it as it is’ worldview. These are just some of the skills I would bring to Pile On.

Examples of my work can be found on popular sites Sainting Kate and Marking Markle, where I am a regular contributor.

Thank you for your consideration, and please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Sincerely,

Valerie Vitriol

Freelance Writer and Markle-watch expert

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