If My Existential Fears Were Regular Fears

5 P.M., Brooklyn, NY
AH! Did you see something move under the washer? Oh, god, I think it’s a–yep, it’s definitely my fear of death. Oh noooooo oh jeez look how many legs it’s got. Babe? Hand me my sneaker. Oh it’s sooo crunchy looking. Why does my creeping mortality and awareness of the cruelty of time upon my mortal body be so shiny? Oh look at it’s wings. Ew, ew, ew, I think it’s looking at me.
OK, well I think it ran away. Oh, god I hope it doesn’t lay eggs.

7 P.M., Lower Manhattan, NY
That was a solid meal. I’m glad we took a chance with this place. Alright, well, could you check out the bathroom situation? You know how I am with public bathrooms. You know I can’t go when faced with the realization that my life is meaningless when considered on the cosmic scale.
Go back there and peek for me, will ya? If it’s all good, I’ll pee and we can get out of here. If not, and the toilet’s got all this faceless, infinite oblivion on it, let me know and I’ll just hold it.
Remember back when we were passing through Penn Station on the way to your brother’s place and I had to really, really go? Remember I took two steps into that rank, putrid men’s room and got a tiny whiff of the realization that the entire exertion of my life and , probably, the entire, desperate output of all of humankind is but just a grain of sand on the ever-shifting beach of an unseeing, amoral, indifferent universe? That really ruined my day, remember?
OK, report back.

8:45 P.M., Queens, NY
Ughhh, why did we have to come to my friend’s engagement drinks? Look, now everyone started doing speeches. Ugh. I think I’m going to throw up. I can’t. I can’t get up in front of all these people and think about what will happen to our children, our country, our way of life, this planet, the entire human race. 
What, just get up and wing it? I’m not like Brad, he loves this crap. He’s so smooth. Me? I’m terrified of getting up in front of people and the fact that this planet is going to shit, the climate is changing literally faster than we can track it, the far-right is rising around the world, there’s basically no political discourse to speak of, and global inequality is increasing.
Oh god here we go. Maybe if I start off with a funny joke. 

11:44 P.M.
Hey, honey? You awake? Sorry. Yeah I can’t sleep. It’s just–have you ever thought about it? Lying there with your lover, holding their hand and being stone cold awake, just staring into the darkness? You run from it, trying to distract your mind’s eye, only for it to be at every turn? Yea? You too? 
Opossums are so creepy. Ewwww. 

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