The Ceremony: arrive five to three minutes early. When some “old friend” begins approaching you, walk rapidly toward them, hug them while loudly saying, “Holy shit! [fill in name] I thought you were DEAD!!!” then begin coughing ferociously until you are convulsing. Excuse yourself by waving them away. Make your way to the bathroom and hide until you hear the officiant say, “Jude and Judy have written their own vows, they will now read them aloud at the same time.” Now is a good time to take your seat in the very last row.
Cocktail hour & Reception: first you must find your table assignment, then look for the names of people you do not recognize; whatever table they are at is now your table. Using the silver magic marker you brought, change your table number to the table with the unknowns. You can say anything you want to these nobodies all night; your name is Vienna and you grew up on the Island of Dr. Moreau!
Next, go to the bar whenever there is no line and talk to the bartender very loudly. Regale them with untrue stories about yourself, like all of the sailing you do, how you have had five very successful marriages and that your bee-keeping business is booming. Whomever overhears this will assume you are someone else.
The Toasts: when you see the maid of honor heading towards the mic go up to an “old pal,” hug them and say, “[Insert name] let me tell you all about my messy divorce!” with a very big grin on your face. As the Maid of Honor starts their speech, quickly and quietly take your right index finger and thumb and squeeze this person’s lips together while saying, “Shhhh, I’ll tell you after the speech.” When the best man heads towards the microphone, spread your arms out wide and walk over towards some other “college friend,” give them a big hug and say, “I am so sorry that I cheated on you back in college! I was high all the time”. As the speech starts, take this person’s face into your hands, kiss them on the forehead and whisper, “Water under the bridge.”
Dinner: this gives you a little bit of respite, but not much. Your best recourse is to eat voraciously, as if you have not eaten for weeks, never touch your utensils, use only your hands or dip your face down to the plate, taking the food with your teeth into your mouth. Chew loudly with your mouth open. Add a very loud belch at the end for good measure. If you can fart on command, now is the time, then loudly say, “That was good eatin’!”
The couple’s first dance: as you stare blankly at the couple, someone has made their way over to you and has put their arm around you. As they begin to form the sound of your name you must thrust your head into their chest, pretty hard, and begin sobbing, pretty hard. This person will pull you away from the crowd and say, “There, there what’s the matter old buddy?” At this point pull yourself “together” just barely, and say, “I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle a wedding so soon after… I need to step outside for a minute, you understand…” They will nod in an understanding, even beatific fashion, as you make your way outside.
Standing outside: you spot some bushes, you jump into them and wait for for the smokers to go back inside. Once the coast is clear you jump out of the bushes, covered in poison ivy! You run inside screaming, “Look I have poison ivy- I have to go now!!!!!!! Hahahahhaaahhaa,” laughing maniacally at the fact that you now have a truthful excuse to leave! Ah sweet relief.