Actually, My Work-Computer’s Browser History IS Related To My Job

In a truly wild twist of fate, I find myself standing before you, accused of using my work-computer for non-work-related purposes. More specifically, of using it solely for non-work-related purposes. I assure you, every click, scroll, and search has been critical to Generic Inc.’s mission of making business processes more business-like.

Clicking through facebook profiles of my colleagues
When you work in business for a long time, you learn that some people communicate better through email; others through in-person meetings, and others still through passive aggressive facebook posts that they don’t think their colleagues will read. I don’t want to brag, but I’m especially good at tracking down folks who’ve cleverly adjusted their names. I also don’t want to call anyone out (this inquisition is making me do SO many things I don’t want to do!), but just to give an example: Natalie Sims goes by Satalie Nims on her facebook profile. At 2:34 p.m., just after our latest interdepartmental meeting, she posted “I love having 5 meetings about which team will check a particular box.” That tells me a whole lot about her attitude that I wouldn’t have been able to fully grasp just from watching her passive aggressively check her phone throughout the meeting.

Scrolling through photo galleries of seals in banana pose
Seals striking a banana pose aren’t just adorable; they’re a potent symbol for how we should manage projects at Generic Inc. To regulate their body temperature on land, seals will lift their heads and flippers, contorting into a yoga-like, banana-reminiscent pose. To regulate the office environment, we need to lift up not only the head of the company, but also more tangential members (flippers), and we need to do so while not forgetting to get enough potassium (a great source of potassium being the bananas in the break room).

Googling: What if my poop is green?
This one is so obviously related to my work, I don’t think it even warrants an explanation, but alas, as a dedicated employee, I will provide one: My poop is green. Not even a dark, barely noticeable green, but a disturbing, Teletubby-green. In order to get my work done, I need to be reassured that I’m not in the process of dying, and you’ll be happy to know that all shades of green are actually within the acceptable color scheme for bowel movements.

Now that I’ve fully explained myself, I hope that all of this foolishness can be put behind us. I have work to do. Right after I eat this banana.

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