I’m Not A Total Psycho, But I Need You To Text Me Back Immediately

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Hi! Soooo I’m not one of those controlling, *psycho* guys or anything but I need you to text me back immediately after I text you. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, especially since we’ve been casually dating for almost two full weeks.

It’s no big deal. Really. But sometimes it takes 15 minutes or even an hour and… Idk… I kind of… hate that? If that sounds selfish, think about this: me. 

Just kidding. But for real, are you not thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about you, which is every waking second? I can scan the entirety of your Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn and your bio from that student production of Oklahoma! you did in college — but that only eats up about 45 minutes, max 🙂

Ok, so right now you’re probably thinking I’m a loser who doesn’t have a life, but I do! It’s just that my life doesn’t have meaning until I see those three little dots inside of a bubble appear as I stare with anticipation at my cell phone, which I now refuse to put on vibrate, just in case. 

Anyway, how’s your day going?

Ok, so this is *random* but how am I supposed to feel like a real man unless you text me back immediately?

jk 🙂

PS, I know I probably use too many emojis when I text you which might make me come off a little effeminate. I’m not. I’m 100% pure, All-American MAN. Unless you’re into more of a beta type? I own every record ever released by Weezer (vulnerability alert, LOL). 

Btw, I only use a lot of emojis because I’m trying to show you that I am A FUN GUY!! 🙂

Ok, so, if I’m being honest… when you only reply back with “Haha” instead of “Hahaha” I start getting really anxious! Do you still like me?? We have an inside joke about how much we both love cheese! Does that mean nothing to you? 

Am I not GOUDA enough for you?? LOL.

I’m just thinking about the last time I saw you. Everything seemed fine. Wait, are you texting someone else? 

Don’t get me wrong, I text other people too, but not the way I text you… which is incessantly with my every little thought. Also, I actually *do* think that it is “crazy it has rained for three days in a row”. That’s crazy!

If you’re busy doing other things besides texting me back, like your job or taking a walk with your dad who you haven’t seen in six months, don’t you see how that might stress me out? Do you think that I don’t have a job or a dad? I do, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t quit my job or disown my dad if that meant I had more time to send you funny GIFs!

Hahaha, ok, I’m being dumb! I bet you’re just trying to think of the perfect, witty thing to text back, right? I get that because I’m the same way! That’s why I created a color-coded spreadsheet for what to text you for every possible situation.

Earlier you said you had pasta salad for lunch. What are your plans for dinner? I can find a restaurant halfway between our apartments and make a reservation… 7:45? How does that sound? You just have to let me know. Text me back, ok? 

Hey, I’m outside  🙂 

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