Hi! Soooo I’m not one of those controlling, *psycho* guys or anything but I need you to text me back immediately after I text you. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, especially since we’ve been casually dating for almost two full weeks.
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It’s no big deal. Really. But sometimes it takes 15 minutes or even an hour and… Idk… I kind of… hate that? If that sounds selfish, think about this: me. 
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Just kidding. But for real, are you not thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about you, which is every waking second? I can scan the entirety of your Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn and your bio from that student production of Oklahoma! you did in college — but that only eats up about 45 minutes, max 🙂
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Ok, so right now you’re probably thinking I’m a loser who doesn’t have a life, but I do! It’s just that my life doesn’t have meaning until I see those three little dots inside of a bubble appear as I stare with anticipation at my cell phone, which I now refuse to put on vibrate, just in case. 
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Anyway, how’s your day going?
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Ok, so this is *random* but how am I supposed to feel like a real man unless you text me back immediately?
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jk 🙂
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PS, I know I probably use too many emojis when I text you which might make me come off a little effeminate. I’m not. I’m 100% pure, All-American MAN. Unless you’re into more of a beta type? I own every record ever released by Weezer (vulnerability alert, LOL). 
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Btw, I only use a lot of emojis because I’m trying to show you that I am A FUN GUY!! 🙂
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Ok, so, if I’m being honest… when you only reply back with “Haha” instead of “Hahaha” I start getting really anxious! Do you still like me?? We have an inside joke about how much we both love cheese! Does that mean nothing to you? 
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Am I not GOUDA enough for you?? LOL.
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I’m just thinking about the last time I saw you. Everything seemed fine. Wait, are you texting someone else? 
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Don’t get me wrong, I text other people too, but not the way I text you… which is incessantly with my every little thought. Also, I actually *do* think that it is “crazy it has rained for three days in a row”. That’s crazy!
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If you’re busy doing other things besides texting me back, like your job or taking a walk with your dad who you haven’t seen in six months, don’t you see how that might stress me out? Do you think that I don’t have a job or a dad? I do, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t quit my job or disown my dad if that meant I had more time to send you funny GIFs!
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Hahaha, ok, I’m being dumb! I bet you’re just trying to think of the perfect, witty thing to text back, right? I get that because I’m the same way! That’s why I created a color-coded spreadsheet for what to text you for every possible situation.
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Earlier you said you had pasta salad for lunch. What are your plans for dinner? I can find a restaurant halfway between our apartments and make a reservation… 7:45? How does that sound? You just have to let me know. Text me back, ok? 
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Hey, I’m outside  🙂