Hey, Frank, 

Remember me? I am your headphones. I was a present from your mother on Christmas to you. I understand that you enjoy blaring your speaker for everyone around you to hear even though they don’t want to hear it. You carry that speaker around with you at full blast, bringing it on the elevator, to the beach, and to your orthodontist. 

Let me tell you something. No one gives a crap about what you’re listening to. There’s a reason why your Spotify account is just for you. No one gives a crap about what music you like. They don’t care. They don’t need you blaring music so loud that it makes their ears bleed. 

You may enjoy Meatloaf, but no one else does–not even Meatloaf. 

If you like ear-splitting noises, then grow your nails out and purchase a chalkboard. 

Second-hand smoke is dangerous; so is second-hand listening. It’s been reported that Limp Bizkit’s “Show Me What You Got” can cause internal hemorrhaging within an 11-foot radius of a speaker. It’s been proven that children who hear at least 30 seconds of Hootie & The Blowfish’s “Let Her Cry,” grow up to become chartered accountants. 

And no, no one actually wants to hear “Freebird.” 

You may think you’re doing us a public service. But you’re not. A public service would be having good taste. 

There’s a reason why I am here. I am your headphones. I am designed to give you the best, most personalized experience of music listening you can imagine. Where your portable Bluetooth speaker can sound really nice, it’s battery life is surely not something to write home about; I have a battery life optimized to your day and musical taste (unfortunately). 

And guess what, I also prevent people from taking your personal belongings and chucking them into a river like they surely will do when you start playing “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus for the 5th time. 

I am also here to shelter you from criticism, snickering and all-around haranguing when you listen to those guilty pleasures, like Nickleback. 

I am here for you. I will whisper all the secret songs you love into your ears. It’ll be our little secret. 

Yours truly,

Your new headphones! 

P.S. Lower the damn music!