In mid 2019, eight-year-old Eric Cornman and his father, Larry Cornman, were driving on interstate 35, coming home from a soccer match when they had to swerve to avoid hitting a big cow. The car rolled 13 times and Eric was thrown from the windshield. He was brought to Saint Methodist hospital where he died on the table. Fortunately, the doctors were able to revive him and put him in a coma. Last night, after nearly six and a half months, Eric awoke from that coma with an miraculous story from the afterlife:

Hell is for real.

“I saw a bright comforting light and I began to walk towards it,” Eric recalls. “Then it was eclipsed by a hooded figure with a big knife, who opened his mouth and went EEEEEEEEEEEEE, which I knew meant, “welcome to hell, bitch.” That hooded figure, he would later find out, was Satan.

Eric reports that he tried to run from Satan Keeper of Hell, but a thousand octopuses (octopuses go to hell) dragged him to the core of the earth where he was consumed with fire.

Obviously, the news of Eric’s being sent to hell has sent shockwaves through the religious community. If Eric — a Boy Scout working towards his eagle and regular lemonade stand salesman — can’t get into heaven, who can?

As it turns out, almost no one. According to Eric pretty much everyone goes to hell. Ghandi is in hell. Lucille Ball is in hell. All animals go to hell. Plants go to hell (except for moss — moss goes to heaven). Any robot is in hell. Plasma goes to hell because it’s not a solid liquid or gas. Also, Oprah is in hell.

When confronted with the fact that Oprah isn’t dead, Eric responded “so you think” and flipped his eyelids back without touching them.

Bringing Eric home after 6 months in a coma has been an adjustment for Eric’s family. Eric’s mother is beside herself with glee having her baby sleeping in his own bed again. His father is less enthusiastic. “He started telling people exactly when and how they will die,” says Larry who will slip in the shower and expire in 4 months. Eric’s mother, Dorothy, has another 80 years. “Modern medicine is incredible!” cries the future oldest woman in the world.

Eric’s proclamations have brought about their fair share of skeptics. Doctors and atheists alike have questioned the validity of eight-year-old Eric’s story stating firmly that “children lie” and attributing Eric’s stories to the rush of endorphins that precede death. But the nurses assigned to Eric’s care beg to differ.

According to the hospital staff, one of their nurses, Roger, once asked Eric to “be real” and “admit he didn’t meet the creator of suffering.” Witnesses report that Eric’s eyes rolled back in his head, the room became somehow smaller and redder and a voice came from Eric’s gaping mouth. “The Bring It On series was never supposed to be made,” it said. “It was supposed to be kept in a vault in hell but I brought it to the surface. I did that. Me.” Then a single bee fell out of Eric’s mouth and his nose begins to bleed. Once the room went back to normal Eric calmly explained that this was the voice of evil incarnate using him as a mouthpiece for misery on earth.

It’s worth noting that nurse Roger later got stuck in the refrigerator that keeps all the transplant organs. There’s no way to prove these two events were related, but according to Roger, “it sucked.”

Eric is excited to move past the accident and into his promising future. He will attend his first school dance next month and would like to go Vasser College when he turns 18. Eric hopes his girlfriend, Kate, waited for him to come out of his coma but he understands if she didn’t. However, Eric is most excited to die and get back to Hell.

“I’m going to be the King of Hell one day” Eric says with a twinkle in his eye (which now has a pupil like a cat or a snake). Eric’s role will include forcing new members of hell to sign their soul away using their spit. Most people think they’ll sign their soul away with blood, but Eric explained that signing with spit dehydrates a person so much that they have to die again. “It’s a mess.”

But for now Eric is happy spreading the word and providing comfort that there is life after death. It just sucks really bad.

** Addendum: After publication, Eric reached out to clarify that insects are not included in the subset of animals that go to hell. (but they do go to hell, especially ants).