Seven Grindr Profiles You’ll See In Every City

Listen up queens, here’s another guide to our wacky gay male wonderland for you to skim through the next time you’re on the toilet or waiting for your ex to leave that new whore’s place.

Catholic Priest

Just like you, we men of the cloth need to unwind when we’re off the job. Specifically, I need some hot penis action tonight after midnight mass. Hot hot hot Latin boys to the front! Secular humanists and reform Jews need not apply. Bonus points if your wife watches from behind nearby shrubbery.

Bi-Curious Gym Teacher

I’m a stocky daddy bear with a pretty awesome tool. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to drive my truck through a forest while a bro sucked off that awesome tool. I only play classic rock and country on my radio. White bros preferred. Let me know if you’d like to be my mouth.


I’m 34, and time’s running out to adopt kiddos! I need husband material who appreciates well-ordered and tightly executed liturgy, The Book of Common Prayer, and the music of Leonard Bernstein. My dream date is a night at the ballet or opera, followed by us cuddling on the couch reading psalms or Mary Oliver poems while God knits our souls together.

Message me with some good first child names!

Hercule Poirot

It is I! The world’s greatest detective! If I am in your city, I am likely looking for clues to a murder or jewel heist. Or an affectionate young man, ideally in his twenties, to keep away the unthinkable loneliness of night.

After all foul crimes concocted underneath the sun are solved, there remains the secrets of the longing heart and the acid hours of silence.

Insolent Youth

Not here for a long time, but a good time! I’m a go-with-the-flow kind of guy, wherever life takes me is cool. I spend my nights clubbing and my days surfing Grindr and Netflix at work. I haven’t read a book since high school. People over 30 annoy me, and lesbians weird me out.

Couple Looking for a Third

My green blob and I are searching for a nubile and moderately hairy twink for a night of obscene revels. My blob will coat your body and explore all your orifices. Who knows what all I’ll do?

When we finish, you can leave immediately. No chit-chat, no drama.


Hi? I might want a friend, a boyfriend, or a nameless, masked, piece of meat to fuck behind a dumpster. I don’t know if I like being single or not. I don’t know if I’m gay or bi. Labels are so constricting! Why can’t we just live in the moment as atoms free-floating in the air, and forget any obligation to communicate which society oppresses us with?

I don’t have many hobbies, there are too many to choose. I just kind of sit around and watch TV.

Happy hunting queens! I hope you like your options!

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