With these simple music-themed steps, you too can walk me down the aisle
Galway Girl (Gerard Butler’s version from P.S. I Love You) — You start easy. All you need is a guitar and an Irish accent. Scottish is not bad either since binge-watching Outlander left me with a little bit of a Highlander-fever. The task is simple: I’m no Galway girl and also, I’m not confident I could spot Galway on a map, but you’d better make me feel like the most special Galway girl in the world. If there isn’t a crowd around, don’t bother. What’s the point in being charmed by the local pub’s upcoming star if there’s no one there to catch it on camera?
Girl on Fire (Alicia Keys) — Looks like a girl, but she’s a flame + link to the song + Thinking of you. I should get this text before our third date. A first nice gesture for me, and a first semi-shy car handjob for you. It’s a win-win situation.
How to Disappear Completely (Radiohead) — You’re broken. You’re so screwed up that even your therapist had to get an extra therapist to assist him in processing your twisted weekly input. You need a savior. Clearly. Believe it or not, you have the most amazing bundle of healing powers right before your eyes and I’m not talking about my firm butt and long legs killer combo. There’s depth in here. Empathy. Resilience. Also, I can fit my whole fist into my mouth. If that’s not going to heal you, nothing will. Just don’t forget to emphasize how I’m the only one who gets you. Because I do. I do get you. #soulmates #nofilter
Born to Die (Lana Del Rey) — You like your girls insane. You know it, I know it, Lana knows it. Sweetheart, don’t be fooled by my classic beauty. Behind the mask of hotness, there’s an aching creature bathing in the complexity of her deeply intellectual pursuits sprinkled with the perfect amount of daddy issues for some extra edginess. Acknowledge my intricate nature. Handwritten letters will do.
Oops!… I Did It Again (Britney Spears) — With all this intensity going on, we need some comic relief. Lay back and start laughing at my jokes. My totally ironic fixation with Britney Spears included. I want to see you suffocating. Literally. If, by any chance, one of my jokes doesn’t land, just google the reference. Baby, there’s no shame in not knowing things as long as you’re willing to learn. In the unlikely scenario that my joke is objectively not funny because I’m PMS-ing or Mercury is retrograde, fake-laugh. If I hear crickets, we’re done.
Propuesta Indecente (Romeo Santos) — You don’t speak Spanish, I assume? No worries. “Propuesta indecente” means “indecent proposal.” If we want this to work, we’ll have to throw some Latino passion in the mix. Now I don’t expect you to dance, but watching me dance and getting turned on by it is mandatory. Don’t hesitate to interrupt me though. Grab my wrist and show me who’s in charge for the rest of the night. Walking the extra mile by also calling me señorita shall be rewarded most generously.
Love the Way You Lie (Eminem feat. Rihanna) — Life is no Nintendo game, love. We’re going to hit some rough patches. For a while, we’ll be drifting apart. You’re going to start drinking and I’ll finally feel entitled to lip-syncing Adele at parties (please don’t ask me how Someone Like You landed on a party’s playlist. It just did, okay?). My friends will get shivers down their spine. They’ll feel me feeling it. For real this time. “This is nuts! You guys were made for each other!” Dramatic pause. The pain is getting unbearable. And then, one cold November afternoon, Shady’s words will echo in both our souls: Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems. Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. We’ll parallel montage our way back to each other in no time. And with this, my ardent suitor, we shall seal the deal.
The post-marital special guide on how to stay in my good graces despite me having to deal with your face every damn morning for the rest of my life should reach you within 3 to 7 days after you put a ring on it.
If you’re thinking of skipping these steps, think again. My current husband already did it. Yes, he got my body and the passwords to all my accounts, but did he truly get my heart? I don’t think so.