by Todd Wells
A random sample of the two people sitting in the booth next to the coffee station indicated a roughly even split over whether or not there’s any spark here tonight. Gender was a strong determining factor of participant opinion. All males responded that things were looking good, while an overwhelming majority of females on the date were wondering why the waiter was taking so long to bring the goddamn check, because there might still be time to get out of there and catch up with friends.
One respondent, who gave her name as Meghan, explained her survey answer, “I don’t know why I said yes to — what’s his name, Brent? It was Jill’s idea to set us up, and I don’t even like her all that much. It was dumb of me to think that one of her guy friends would be any better than she is.”
In contrast, a male participant, Brian, stated, “It’s going great. I’m pretty sure we’re going to hook up tonight. It really sucked, having to take care of Jill’s dog for that week she went to Cozumel, but she said she’d get me Meghan’s phone number if I did it, so it was totally worth it.
Meghan listed some of the factors that influenced her opinion. “I mean, look at that shirt. What is it, like, brown or something?” She went on to explain that, although there was no point during dinner when Brent (sic) actually had food stuck between his teeth, he looked like the kind of person who would have food stuck between his teeth, and she was sure it was just a matter of time.
While Brian remained positive about the near-term success of the date, his optimism over a longer time horizon was more tempered. Said Brian, “I think she’s cute and nice and all that, but she also seems like the kind of person who’d get weird if I didn’t call her back the next day. And I’m not really looking for that level of commitment right now.”
Meghan expressed no opinion on the durability of a future romance, as she had just received a text from Monica that they were all going to meet up in 15 minutes at that place with the Red Bull martinis, and was busy reapplying blush as she ran out the door of the restaurant.
The only part of the survey supported by a majority of respondents was that the mozzarella sticks were pretty good.