Hey, sup guys, how’s it going? It’s me – MySpace Tom, remember? Everybody’s friend! Fun, little-known fact – MySpace still exists! That’s right, neither the camel case nor Facebook was enough to sink us! You can find us at myspace.net, which is actually our original address. We’re mostly a site for bands now, but hey, that could still be a huge business! I mean, ours specifically is not, but it could be. And yes, there is a real estate firm in Nairobi called “MySpace” that has better SEO than we do – please don’t mix us up, it hurts my heart.
Anyway, I’m here today to talk to you, Russia. I know you have your choice of social networks to hack in an attempt to manipulate the 2020 US election, but today, I’d like to make the case for why you should be using MySpace.
There are a ton of amenities and special promos we can offer you on myspace.net. For instance. we can expand your reach. In 2016, you showed your fake posts to 126 million users on Facebook. While we don’t have 126 million users per se, we can offer you a higher percentage of total users. Facebook only showed your propaganda to 6% of its user base – what a rip off! We’ll show your ads to a whopping 10% of our users, and both of them promise to look very closely at the content. People always say MySpace only ever had a fraction of Facebook’s users, but fractions can actually be greater than 1 (example: 7/3). Ours definitely was not, but they can be, okay?
Additionally, Russia, it seemed like everyone got really mad at you for what you did in 2016 on Facebook. Good news- if you hack MySpace, no one will be mad. In fact, people will laugh and say, “MySpace? I forgot about them! That’s so retro!” And I know this will be their reaction, based on my experiences on Hinge. Even if you don’t care what other people think, Facebook might not be available as a hacking destination in 2020. They’re under a lot of pressure from Congress right now to be careful and monitor what political ads they post. Yes, Elizabeth Warren was able to get around it, and how smart can she be – you saw what happened last time a lady tried to run against Trump, who would try that again? But that doesn’t mean Zuckerberg won’t eventually bow to Congressional oversight. Facebook could really clean up its act and kick you guys off the site. I mean, they won’t, but they could!
Finally, I really get what’s going on in Russia. I mean, I live in Hawaii, so I can see you guys from my house if I’m facing the map. And I know what it’s like when you think you created something beautiful that other people should be in awe of – like another country’s presidency or a website where a different song blares every time you switch pages* – and then it seems like no one appreciates you. One day, you’re just letting your users peacefully choose the color of their own pages like the adults that they promise they are, and the next day, you’re “buggy” and “giving teenage girls eating disorders” and “not as sleek as those Harvard douchebags.” Russia, I hold the record as the one rich white guy people feel sorry for, so if you ever need to talk, I’m here.
So, for all your election hacking needs, Russia, I’d ask you to really give MySpace some consideration. We’re not just a site for PopSugar to use to resurface a celebrity’s old photos as they’re getting cancelled – we’re so much more than that. Like, we’re also a site for Refinery29 to resurface a celebrity’s old photos as they’re getting cancelled. I can’t really promise you you’ll get better results on MySpace than you would on Facebook, but you could get better results than you would on Friendster (I mean, you won’t, but you could). And as a fun bonus, you can fire all your expensive hackers, we’ll give you the data for free. None of the users will mind, I asked them all personally. I’m the kind of guy you can trust, because I failed, and what’s more trustworthy than that?
Anyway, peace out and let me know if the myspace.net link still works, I don’t think anyone has tried it this calendar year.
*Let me ask you what is SO WRONG with having a LITTLE MUSIC play when you go on someone’s page!? Isn’t it FUN!? Isn’t it a good way to learn about NEW MUSIC!? Cowards!! All of you!!