We’ve got a special treat for you today folks! Thanks to many of the editorial staff being totally consumed last week, I finally had the freedom to pursue one of my dream projects: an exclusive interview with Hollywood power couple Ben Hollis and Charlotte Clover! We all know Ben is basically a walking Hollister ad, and Charlotte is the biggest CC since Sabathia. And though my interviewing skills are a bit rusty, they agreed to join me in a fortified section of the produce aisle at my local Target to answer a few questions about their relationship, their work, and the currently unfolding zombie apocalypse.
*Responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.
Interviewer: Thank you both so much for agreeing to be here! This is such a special treat.
Ben Hollis: Oh, it’s our pleasure! We just happened to be in the area.
Charlotte Clover: Please lower your voices. Noise attracts them.
I: Now, the first thing I have to ask about is your outfits. Who are you both wearing today?
BH: This here is my favorite Armani coat, but the shirt is from my good friend Ezio Tornaparte. He’s an up-and-comer in the fashion world, but I know he’ll be accomplishing big things soon! I’d encourage all of your readers to check out his awesome clothes.
CC: I broke into a blacksmith studio a few weeks back and forged this chainmail. It’s strong but lightweight. I made some for Ben too but he doesn’t like the way it rubs his skin.
BH: Like a bad tag times a billion! My poor sensitive skin just couldn’t do it.
I: Sounds horrendous! Now you two are some of the biggest movie stars still alive today. How do you find time for romance in your busy A-lister schedules?
BH: It really all comes down to the little things. Just small gestures every day to show you care. For example, while Charlotte’s out gathering food and supplies I make sure to keep the house very clean just like she likes it. Lately she’s been a bit of a freak when it comes to germs! And since I have so much time on my hands I sometimes write her little love poems, which she goes nuts for. I’m telling you, fellas out there, it’s the little things!
CC: Every now and then I have a glass of red wine while keeping watch as Ben sleeps.
I: Oooh la la! Things are getting a bit steamy in here, and it isn’t from the humidifiers keeping the cabbages moist! But let’s be real, relationships aren’t always easy, even for the biggest movie stars who still have minds of their own! What are your biggest pet peeves about each other?
BH: Hmm, that’s a tough one! Sometimes she can be gone for a long time, even days at a time, and it’s hard to not get worried. Like, is she off with some other guy? Should I be worried about her, like, cheating on me? It can be hard to suppress that territorial manly man inside of me, you know?
I: Oh don’t worry, I know. Charlotte, what about you?
CC: He can be a bit of a whiner.
I: Care to expand on that?
CC: He’s oblivious, he can’t build a fire, he can’t find supplies, he can’t fight, he has no idea how to fortify a house, no survival instincts. He spends all day writing lists of things he misses about life before and complaining about how bad TV has gotten.
I: Well, what is he good at?
CC: He’s very good at being an actual living person I can spend time with so I don’t go insane.
BH: Aw, thanks babe!
I: Our readers are dying to know what the future holds for you two. A shiny diamond ring and wedding bells, or dying alone with no company except the ravenous horde of walking corpses feasting on your flesh? Charlotte, it sounds like you spend a lot of time away. Our readers are dying and dying to know: are you committed to this relationship long term?
CC: I see no feasible way out.
I: You two truly are the perfect couple! God I’ve got goosebumps, and it’s not from the mister above the grapefruit spraying my neck! Moving on from romance, what kind of music are you two into these days?
BH: Charlotte insisted on removing all instruments, speakers, anything that makes noise really, from the house, but every now and then when she isn’t around I like to break out the old record player I keep hidden in the garage and play some Johnny Cash! He’s no Billie Eilish, but then again who is?
I: Surely Billie Eilish?
CC: Are you fucking serious?
I: Readers will love to know that you’re an Eilish fan, Ben! I think I saw her shambling near the observatory just a few days ago, and with how hot it’s been lately it’s unlikely she’s gotten very far!
BH: No way! We have to go meet her, Charlotte!
CC: You’d be dead without me.
I: Aw Charlotte, I’m sure you’d be dead inside too without this affable hunk by your side. Last question: what is the next project you’d love to do, assuming a functioning society rises from the ashes of our current hellscape?
BH: Next project? Is that a joke? We’re all going to be dead within a month. There’s no hope for us; not for Charlotte, not for me, and not for you. You and your readers need to grow up and accept that this is the end of human civilization as we know it.
CC: I’d love to do Rent.