by Ana Worrel and Amy Frances Wright

Introductory Remarks

In the following pages I, Sigmund Freud, shall analyze the specific modus operandi most heterosexual men employ in their initiations of sexual encounters: sending the phallus photo. I contend that sending a photograph of one’s phallus is a necessary step in establishing masculine gender identity and transitioning to sexual maturity. I shall also demonstrate that, upon receiving a phallus photo, the delighted female recipient’s psychological obsession with dick and balls is fulfilled. 

Though my findings have yet to be scientifically verified, I believe them to be universal truths based on my own primordial urges and wet dreams about my mom. 

On the Composition of the Phallus Photo

Before I continue, I must presuppose that the reader is familiar with the aesthetic composition of the phallus photo. Typically, minimal thought is applied to its mise en scène. The male subject may be standing in front of a dirty mirror before an unflushed commode, or lying upon a bed which consists of a single flat pillow and fitted sheet displaying mysterious stains. This is due to the fact that the female recipient enters a hypnotic state on sight of the central phallus in the photo. In her euphoria, there occurs a slackening of attention and, thus, little to no mind is paid to the crumpled pair of Spongebob boxer briefs in the foreground.

Additionally, the male may have placed a smaller object in the vicinity of the phallus to create the illusion of superior size. These totemistic items typically resemble the phallus on a smaller scale, such as a pencil or a baby carrot. By arranging the item in an ostensibly casual and unintentional manner, the female recipient subconsciously associates the two and comes to the conclusion that the phallus in question is, indeed, a massive and powerful object of desire. 

On the Absence of Solicitation

To assume that all women are constantly in a state of near-hysteric yearning to lay eyes upon a photograph of a phallus would be correct. However, if sending the phallus without solicitation strikes one as risky or premature, the sender may simply accompany the photo with “ooops sry didn’t mean to send that to u.” Upon application of this technique, the female is both a.) jealous that she was not the intended recipient of the phallus, and b.) immediately hot and bothered by it.

On the Methodology of Nude Exchange

Once the female has seen the phallus photo, the gateway is now open for the male to ask her for a photograph of her bosom. This is called heteroerotic psychovisual reciprocity. That is to say, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” If the lady refuses to participate in this exchange, the man should continue to send photos from slightly different angles at odd hours. If, after his continued laborious efforts, she still doesn’t comply with his biological need to see her nude form, it can be concluded that her subconscious harbors a latent desire for lesbianism. And that she’s a huge bitch.

On Hysteric Patient Hanna O.

I tested these theories in my own practice with a patient I will call Hanna O. Hanna initially offered resistance to photographs of my phallus, producing poorly disguised inverted declarations of desire such as, “I’m married” and “I don’t want to see it.” My acute observations led me to the conclusion that my patient was suffering from hysteria. After treating her with some light gaslighting and cocaine, we began the process of psychoanalytic free association. Eventually, Hanna realized she was afflicted with penis envy and truly did love and cherish my nude. It should be noted that her conclusion was independent of the fact that I would not let her out of my office until she reached it. 

Conclusion

Though my colleagues in psychiatry foster differing views on the merits of dream interpretation, the merits of showing the ladies the big boy downstairs are universally acknowledged. In these pages I have demonstrated that heterosexual men have both a predisposed psychic need and a biological right to share images of their phalli with their ladies of choice. Through the repeated reception of the unsolicited phallus, so manifests the lady’s powerful infatuation with it. 

This conclusion is drawn from experiments I have executed in my own practice — experiments that are not only groundbreaking, but also very brave. After all, inviting another to view a photograph of one’s phallus requires vulnerability, and out of vulnerability comes strength.