A Message From Your CEO

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by Austin Bernhardt

Dear colleagues,

As we embark on another year of challenges and opportunities, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on our myriad successes. Our industry has never been more competitive, but thanks to your hard work, we continue to grow our market share, surpass KPI goals, and mitigate the troubling effects of The Gateway!

Naturally, there will be many questions in the coming quarter: “How will the restructuring of the Marketing group affect my team’s workflow?” “Will existing requests roll over into the new order approvals system?” “Is it safe to use the kitchen where The Gateway opened, or is it still full of that crimson light that makes people go insane?”

All will be answered in time. As the old adage goes, the only constant in this business is change, whether that means learning a new expense interface or getting used to what Legal has informed me is a “dangerous level of dark cosmic energy” emanating from that one fridge on the fourth floor.

Rest assured, however, that the senior management team is hard at work interpreting the runes carved into the wall outside my office — and that the party planning team is hard at work brainstorming new themes for Thirsty Thursday!

(For the time being, we do ask that people avoid those red-lit areas and notify their managers if they spontaneously start bleeding from their eyes, nose, or ears.)

One of the joys of my job is, of course, charting a course for our collective journey. But please take a few minutes over the next few weeks to set some personal growth goals of your own. This is a time to look to the future, as well as to stock up on the goat carcasses we now need to feed into The Gateway lest we anger our new gods. (Gentle reminder: All livestock purchases must be finalized by the end of the month to count toward this quarter’s budget.)

And speaking of personal journeys, please join me in celebrating the following team members as they advance on theirs:

Sheri Goldman has been promoted to Outreach Coordinator, New Clients & Giant Disembodied Heads.

David Lorde has been brought on as Interim Sales Associate until Martha Camby stops repeating “He will devour us all” into the mirror of the women’s bathroom.

Alan Smith has been brought on as Operations Director, Death Cult Division.

Kristie Shlansky has been promoted to Senior Manager, Research & Metrics. 

And finally, I’d like to extend a special congratulations to outgoing EVP of Digital Strategy Marcus Spoorley, who will be leaving us to pursue an exciting new position being devoured by the tentacle beast to spare his son, Social Strategy Intern Max Spoorley. This company won’t be the same without him, and he will be missed in these halls.

Onward and upward!


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