I Am The Chantix Turkey And I Want My Fucking Oscar

You probably already have your Top 10 Best Performances By An Actor list cemented in stone. Maybe you think Adam Driver in Marriage Story or Joaquin Phoenix as the Joker are the ones to beat, but guess what? Joaquin Phoenix thinks awards like Oscars and Golden Globes are “utter bullshit” and a “thing to sell advertisements for the TV shows,” so why not swap his name out for someone who really wants an Oscar? Someone who transforms into a different fucking SPECIES for a role? 

That someone is me.

Maybe you’ve seen the various short films I’ve starred in, made by the creative hive mind at Pfizer? I call them “films” and not ads because the lines are blurred in today’s media landscape. Jane Fonda and Meryl Streep do small screen work, and I bet if my personal hero James Dean were still alive he wouldn’t scoff at the chance to perform in a 10-second podcast ad for nasal spray if the part spoke to him. Just think of the pathos he would bring!

So yes, I star in short films, playing a turkey who is trying to kick a nicotine addiction by doing things like surfing, camping, ice skating, sightseeing, sunbathing, and, of course, taking Chantix. Do you understand the hours of research and preparation each film takes? I’m a fucking turkey. We can’t even pick up a cigarette much less smoke it. Yet there I am, doing just that, often while wearing sweater vests, scarves, and multicolored knit hats that make me look like Laird, the resident ex-junkie from Girls. It’s mortifying, but, like my comrades Christian Bale and Lupita Nyong’o, I accept that art is suffering.

And yes, I’m computer generated, but who the fuck cares these days? 

I’ve read Uta Hagen’s Respect for Acting and Ellen DeGeneres’ Seriously… I’m Kidding. I would love to get into comedies since, despite what you might think, my Chantix films are not meant to evoke laughter. I use Method acting to help me do things like stir a pitcher of lemonade with my wing, or decorate my living room with excessive amounts of sea shells. I didn’t see ex-Chantix spokesman Ray Liotta doing that shit. I know De Niro and Charlize Theron have gained and lost weight for roles, but do you understand the level of dedication it takes for me to conjure the expression of a wild-yet-domesticated turkey who is craving a cigarette while operating a leaf blower? Last I checked, turkeys do not operate leaf blowers or experience nicotine withdrawal, so what I’m doing is truly revolutionary. Just ask Denzel. 

Look, I’ve read the comments and the Reddit threads. I know I’m playing a bad metaphor – but I’m doing it with fucking dignity. Do not put me in the same category as the Aflac Duck or Geico’s Camel or Lizard. I mean, I’ve heard better English accents at a regional theater in Duluth. And don’t even mention names like Spuds MacKenzie or Tony the Tiger in my presence. Do you think Spuds MacKenzie ever stayed up late before a shoot reading An Actor Prepares by Constantin Stanislavsky? Fuck no. But I have.

So, since you, the judgmental public, hold the keys that can catapult my ego and my career into the stratosphere, I am asking you to consider my performances when the Academy Awards roll around. Remember that playing an unwieldy, lonely bird with human traits who is battling a nicotine addiction is an art that Marlon Brando would have killed to master. And finally, as a Hail Mary: You know when I crumple the cigarette pack with the tip of my wing before I toss it into the trash, which is basically the emotional climax of every single film? That was improv. I brought that to the character. Me, not Pfizer. Amy Poehler only wishes she could be that nimble in such creatively stifling conditions.

Think of a vote for me, the Chantix turkey, as a vote for all the struggling performers out there who are killing themselves in the name of art. If you think that’s dramatic, you try lighting a campfire with nothing but a stick… USING ONLY YOUR TURKEY WING.

I’m counting on you to recognize true talent when you see it, so I can expand my range and work alongside Bill Murray or Viola Davis one day. But mostly, I just want my fucking Oscar. After what I’ve been through, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

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