Dear Mr. Theodor Cook, 

We have received your resume and cover letter for the position of Administrative Specialist and we regret to inform you that we believe that you do not meet the qualifications needed for the position. We understand that you have been stranded on a desert island for the last 15 years, and have, for those years, had a number of self-employed jobs, ranging from fishmonger to Supreme Dictator, but we need a better explanation for these gaps in your work history.

Despite being Supreme Dictator of the Island Nation of Cook—however impressive that may sound— we can not see how these daily tasks have made you equipped to meet the day to day tasks of an Administrative Specialist, which can be very strenuous. 

Whereas, we are very happy to see that you are alive and well after having “made fire,” we can’t seem to figure out how making fire relates to the business world. We do find that your extensive knowledge of spear making may likely come in handy when trying to work the copier. 

But your knowledge of the tidal forces acting on a small make-shift watercraft most likely will not translate well when stapling business reports. 

At a company like ours, teamwork is essential, and it seems that your people skills may be lacking for this position. Your lack of people skills and human interaction may be more better suited in the marketing department. 

But we did our due diligence before coming to this decision. We attempted to reach out to your references only to discover that they were, in fact, a volleyball. 

As you stated in your cover letter, we are looking for someone qualified, and we don’t believe that you meet the intended qualifications at this time. However, we are willing to forward your resume to the marketing department. 

We hope this letter finds you well. 

Regards,
Mrs. Sarah Gavin
Hiring Professional
Blank Business, LLC