An Honest Casting Breakdown For Every Big Budget Studio Blockbuster

Male Hero Lead: CAUCASIAN. A devilishly handsome rogue maverick who is the best at what he does — just ask him (don’t ask anyone else). The Male Hero Lead isn’t afraid to play by his own rules, especially if the rules he’s breaking are being dictated to him by a woman. Brash and confident, he has a way of getting into scrapes that are completely avoidable. The audience is expected to be on his side even though the script does not give them any real reason to be — minus, of course, a dead mom we find out about at the end of the second act. 32-40, but let’s be real, we’re going to keep casting Tom Cruise as long as he’s still breathing.

Female Love Interest: Incredibly beautiful but also the smartest woman in the world, the Female Love Interest is a no nonsense, get things done, wear a pencil skirt kind of gal. However, she does have a bit of a wild side, one that comes out after she gets drunk halfway through the movie and she does some kind of striptease specifically for the enjoyment of the heavily male audience. Like the Male Hero Lead, she, too, has a troubled past, and that’s what makes them perfect for each other in the world of this movie. Please submit actresses of ALL ETHNICITIES, 20-20 and 6 months.

The Sidekick: A wise-cracking smart-ass who has even less regard for the rules than his best friend, the Male Hero Lead. These men do not have a single thing in common, but we need someone with decent timing to deliver what jokes the script has, written by the six standup comedians we hired for punch ups. Please submit MINORITY ETHNICITIES, 20-50. We’re specifically looking for a comic with name recognition, in between stadium tours, who will use their salary from this movie to finance their more interesting independent projects.

Young Ingenue: A wise beyond their years little kid who is the heart and soul of the film. Quippy as hell, the Young Ingenue is NOT our Male Hero Lead’s child, but they might as well be, you know? Must be a capable singer, for they will be singing a haunting, slowed down version of a lullaby at the climax of the film. It symbolizes a loss of innocence. Preference will be given towards breakout Disney stars with large Instagram followings, aged 10-12, who are prepared to be sexualized on the darkest corners of the internet.

Scientist No One Listens To: CAUCASIAN, 40s-60s. One of the only smart people in the movie, the Scientist forms a small, but warm bond with the Male Hero Lead and the Female Love Interest. The Scientist’s work is their whole life, which makes it all the more tragic when that work is the very thing that kills them. Looking for someone who looks like a real person, you know, like an Oscar-nominated character actor, whose appearance will prompt viewers to ask each other after the movie, “Isn’t that the dad from Call Me By Your Name?” Bonus points for accent work.

Villain: An evil genius with paper thin motivation. Must be able to convey a lot with their voice, as their face and body will be disguised by what can only be classified as “a gross overuse of CGI technology.” Seeking someone who is comfortable with us leaking pictures of them in their CGI costume and being meme’d into eternity. CAUCASIAN, for absolutely no reason at all.

Old Wise Person: Someone from the original version of this (obviously rebooted) movie who comes back, says, “We’re still doing this?!” and is never heard from again. This role will be played by Samuel L. Jackson.

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