If You Want To Get With Me, You’ll Have To Answer My Riddles Three: Modern Dating For Literal Monsters

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by Lily Armstrong

Maybe you just got out of a long-term relationship. Maybe the enchanted jewel you have admired for millennia was finally destroyed by a vengeful God’s lightning strike and you need something new to occupy your time. Maybe you’re just looking for a special someone to share your cave with. Whatever your motivation–I’m here to tell you there is hope. With the advent of online dating, it’s easier than ever to make a connection with the scaly, hairless cutie of your dreams. If you’ve been out of the dating game for a while, it can be overwhelming to get back in. With this in mind, I’ve compiled a few helpful hints to make your dip into the dating pool as comfortable as the sickly warmth of the slime pool in your own backyard.

Why would they enchant the gremlin, when they can have the horde for free?

This may sound like your mother’s dating advice, but it’s been around so long because it’s true. Unfortunately, ghouls can be mischievous by nature, so it’s always a good idea to proceed with caution when you first meet someone new. Show the wrong troll where you keep your piles of gold, you may very well end up high and dry–and still alone, to boot! It’s not a bad idea to hint at riches but be sure to get their eternal vow of loyalty before you show them what you’re working with. You should also make it clear that hellish curses will befall them if they attempt to murder you for your jewels. It’s a jungle out there!

Be honest about what you want, no matter how wretched!

Even if you think it’s too horrid for other earthly ears, we can guarantee that someone out there will be into exactly the same thing! Whether you just want to chill at home, crunching on human bones, or go out every night to lure virgins back to your lair, the most important thing is to be upfront. Your suitors will appreciate your honesty, and it will prevent future confusion if they’re looking for a partner for Armageddon a thousand years hence and you’re only interested in a decade-long fling.

Keep an open heart (or whatever ungodly creation keeps your mortal form animated!)

So, maybe you never saw yourself settling down with a Chupacabra. Maybe you never thought a succubus would be your type. In order to be successful in today’s dating world, you have to keep an open mind. Date someone who is only 300, even if your friends will call you a cradle robber! Give a chance to the ancient gremlin who still only listens to epic poems performed with a lute. The point is, you never know who will surprise you and you won’t find out until you try!

Hang out in places where singles are available, from bridges to the long-abandoned hospitals!

It’s all too easy to hole up in your own lair, but you aren’t going to meet anyone new in your same old haunts! Go to public places where restless spirits dwell, like highway overpasses and sites of multiple murders. Bring a wingman if you’re worried about being overpowered by adversarial forces, and always read up on whether any exorcisms have been performed there lately. Bad vibes! Once you’re convinced that your new hang out spot is safe, get all dolled up and make small talk with that wayward spirit cutie across the room. Wear your nicest rags that still read “casual,” and wear enough talismans to prove that this isn’t your first time around the block.

Be yourself, even if it means opening up that portal to the underworld.

We all put up barriers. Sometimes it can be hard to let other people in, but if you ever want to find love/mutual fear you’re going to have to bring your walls down. This includes the walls that separate the realms of the living and the dead. Sorry, not sorry! If you want someone to know who you truly are, you have to be honest with yourself first. Are you really going to define yourself by your career for the rest of your life? You are so much more than the gatekeeper to hell and it’s time to let that part of yourself shine, even if it means a few demons slip through the cracks. You are living your best life and that’s all that matters.

We wish you all the best in your future romances. Follow our advice, and you’ll be part of a hellish power couple in no time at all. Cheers to love, even among the damned! 

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