Hello and welcome to our rustic little vineyard. Nestled deep in the hills between a paper products factory and a ditch of sewer run-off, you’ll find our nearly two acres of beautiful, dried-up grapes. A family tradition ever since we bought the vineyard at a foreclosure auction three years ago, we are proud to offer a selection of wines great for getting you drunk and not much else. This year, we’re excited to offer a very special Valentine’s Day tasting flight of six pours to complement a special night out with that special someone you barely tolerate. Here’s our menu:
Your first pour has a forward nose of Welch’s white grape juice cocktail. A sophisticated palate will catch notes of vanilla and sandalwood from the Glade plug-in we keep in the fermenting room to cover up the smell of rat poison. This delightful, cloying white pairs well with fast food poultry and barely suppressed passive aggressive comments about how your boyfriend was twenty minutes late picking you up.
Your next pour is one hair on the pH scale away from being six ounces of white vinegar. Made with grapes harvested before they were even close to being ready, you’ll catch rich, full-bodied notes of lemon and sauerkraut. Our pinot gris goes great with any seafood entree, and now that you’re two glasses in, you’re wondering if it would do lasting damage if you poured it directly into your boyfriend’s eyeballs.
Our chardonnay is a creamy, buttery treat because we aged it in an industrial size tub of Country Crock. Again, we really don’t know what we’re doing, but once you scrape the emulsion off the top, we’re sure this would pair well with a nice pasta dish or something. This wine boasts the aroma of an unholy union between a stale croissant and a ripe gym sock, somehow making it worse than the house white at Golden Corral, where your boyfriend took you last year for Valentine’s Day. Dear God, why are you still with him?
Transitioning your palate to red wines is our signature pinot noir, guaranteed to linger in your senses by coating your tongue in a gritty purple film. After 18 ounces of our fine wines, you’re a little too tipsy to care what this wine pairs with, you just know it’s strong. Strong like the rage you feel looking at your boyfriend’s stupid, stupid face as he says, “Babe, it’s a special night. Why don’t you get yourself a little something off the dessert menu? But not too many calories, okay?”
Sweet Red Blend
With a forward body that smells like a stiff chug of cherry Robitussin, our sweet red blend pairs great with either steak or menthol cough drops. You’ll lie to yourself and say it’s great, it’s the wine you’ve wanted your whole life, there’s nothing wrong with this wine. You’ll smile and gag it down and tell your mom and our in-house sommelier/janitor that you’re perfectly happy with this wine and you haven’t been fantasizing lately about a wine you drank in college at all who is now married to some accountant bitch named Kelsee with two E’s.
Chocolate Dessert Port
Our dessert port is just six ounces of Hershey’s chocolate syrup with a splash of the sweet red blend whisked in. You’re welcome.
Our vineyard boasts the romantic ambiance of a rural Motel 6 lobby, making it the perfect setting for looking deep into your partner’s eyes and re-evaluating all of your life choices. Before you leave, make sure to order whatever the hell you want from our dessert menu of three Marie Calendar’s frozen cream pies, and dump the entire thing directly into your boyfriend’s lap
And don’t forget, your tasting entitles you to 10% off a subscription to our wine-of-the-month club, the perfect gift for your Aunt Meredith who keeps asking you when you’re going to get married and have a baby. Enjoy your Valentine’s Day, and please don’t feel the need to give us a Yelp review.