Your Cosmo Valentine’s Gift Guide For That Partner With Healing Crystal Allergies

by Rebekah Iliff and Michael Caves

A frequent complaint I hear from our Cosmo readers is that their relationship fire has “like totally burned out,” and they can’t figure out why the pricey healing crystals they’ve purchased at local yoga studios and Instagrammable boutiques aren’t providing any reprieve 😢. In this situation, it’s quite common that your partner has undiagnosed healing crystal allergies. But fear not dear reader, I’ve got plenty of hypo-allergenic alternatives that will rekindle your romance ❤️ and get you back to the ol’ Netflix and chill in no time!

Fig leaf: This is what I call a “two-for-one deal”: it’s both hypo-allergenic AND also something naughty for him to wear. There’s something so primitive and sexy about seeing your man dangling a leafy green betwixt his legs. Hard to get? More like hard to forget.

A lump of coal: Broadly recognized as the gift du jour for naughty children at Christmas, coal redeemed itself during the 2016 U.S. Presidential election when it hired a hard-hitting PR firm to tout its benefits to humankind. Go coal! It’s really cheap, so for those on a budget it can be a boon. Anthracite coal is the most desirable due to its high heat content. When placed under the sheets for a week, it will surely catch your bed on fire 🔥!

Sea glass: This is glass that has been haphazardly dumped into the ocean to live amongst the fishies but resurfaces later as beautiful works of art. What a metaphor! This is the perfect antidote if your partner has dumped you to look for other fish in the sea, and you need to win them back A.S.A.P. You can find sea glass at beaches around the world like Sea Glass Beach in Bermuda or Glass Beach in Washington—OR on Etsy! 

Petrified wood: While the name itself doesn’t shout “love and healing”, the centuries-old wisdom hidden in this fossilized substance purportedly reveals itself during dreams, and simply thinking about petrified wood has been known to cause spontaneous erections 😉.

Hardened wad of gum: Not to be confused with stale gumballs, a hardened wad of gum takes other people’s garbage and turns it into his treasure wad. This healing crystal alternative can be carried around his neck, in his pocket, or even in his tighty-whities 😈. When accurately placed, it will bring tingling sensations and good vibrations. Nothing shouts “sexual healing” like the saliva of total strangers (all of them probably supermodels!) affixed to your man’s bod.

Hair of a therapist: IMHO, therapy is an expensive, 21st-century, quack “cure-all.” I mean, really? How will pointing out your partner’s annoying habits and obvious flaws EVER lead to hanky panky? However, the HAIR of a licensed couples therapist has proven effective when strewn across a bedroom pillow sham. The energetic forces contained within send out positive relationship vibes, without all the listening and talking involved in traditional therapy. Boner killer!

Key-hider rock: Giving your reluctant, significant other a fake rock (that looks like the real thing!) with a key to your apartment hidden inside will certainly change his energy in no time. Nothing says “I love you, and I’d literally do anything to keep the flame alive even though you said you’re not ready to move in together” quite like this little number.

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