Valentine’s Day When You’re Dating a Dude vs. Valentine’s Day When You’re Single

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Dating: 9 AM- You text your boyfriend Jason: “Morning lover, looking forward to my surprise tonight! Love you!”

Single: 9 AM- You text your single girlfriends: “I got the ecstasy for tonight. We gun get laid ladies!”

Dating: 12 PM – You walk down Main Street during your lunch break and spot the storefront of a ZALES. Perhaps tonight’s the night!!…you daydream.

Single: 12 PM- You “accidentally” pop the ecstasy into your mouth post work bathroom masturbation sesh.

Dating: 2 PM- You pick up your chiffon gown at the dry cleaner and hang it by your desk at work.

Single: 2 PM- You text a nude to six different men.

Dating: 3 PM- You text Jason, “Almost out of work honey, can’t wait to see you!”

Single: 3 PM- You text the same nude to your girlfriends and say, “is this hot?” They reply “I’d fuck u.”

Dating: 5 PM- Jason picks you up. You’re in your elegant gown. He’s wearing crocs and cargo shorts and goes, “Ohhh, are we dressing up babe?”

Single: 5 PM- You change into a mesh dress and meet up with your three girlfriends. One is wearing a glittery tube top, one a transparent tutu, and the third has her nipples exposed.

Dating: 5:30 PM- You gleefully ask Jason where you’re headed. He says, “Can you call the uber I don’t get paid until tomorrow…” You willingly do so.

Single: 5:30 PM- You lick your friend’s nipple on a subway platform. A hobo applauds. Should I bang this hobo? you think…

Dating: 6 PM- You say, “Do you like my gown?” Jason says without looking at you, “Yeah pull over here dude!”

Single: 6 PM- Tube top passes out on your chest. You feed her ecstasy and she is alive again.

Dating: 7 PM- “I’m a little overdressed for Red Lobster,” you mutter. “Can you pass me that biscuit?” Jason retorts with a smile.

Single: 7 PM- You arrive at a tiki bar. You each order two sauvingnon blancs. Tube top is slumped over her chair and again unable to form words. Maybe I can hook up with someone here… you think.

Dating: 8 PM- You give Jason his present. A loving handwritten poem, expensive underwear, and a silver watch!

Single: 8 PM- You’re friend has come back to life so you do the only thing you can do to celebrate… you make out with her. Oddly enough, a strange bearded man in the corner is filming. Is he the one… you ponder.

Dating: 8:05 PM – Jason hands you his gift…a plastic water bottle. “It keeps the water cold!” You feign a laugh.

Single: 8:05 PM- You order a 5th sauvingnon blanc. Your blacked out tutu gal pal has mounted the bearded fellow.  You’re jealous….

Dating: 9 PM-  Jason gets down on one knee in front of everyone at the Red Lobster…!!!! to adjust his croc. “Damn blisters…” he says.

Single: 9 PM- An ambulance comes for your friend. You kiss her goodbye.  At least you’re getting SOME action. The bearded man shoos you away and says, “MINE!” The paramedics stare at the scene wide eyed.

 Dating:  11 PM- You leave Red Lobster and say, “OK what’s next babe?” “Next??” Jason says, nearly shocked. “I guess you didn’t like the biscuits.” “No I liked them just fine, honey. It’s just, I’m in a gown,” you say. “Well, let’s get that gown off you sexy lady! Your place?” He kisses you. He smells like old cheese. “I was hoping for yours Jason, for once…” you mutter. “It’s just…all five of my roommates are home,” says Jason. “FINE. We’ll go back to my place,” you groan. Fucking loser ass Jason…you think.

Single: 11 PM- It’s just you and your other friend at this point! So you both hit the club to attend a DRUG RAVE. Just go with it! Women are scissoring on the ground! Men are dancing on the bar! Others are having intercourse on the dance floor! A small man just poured milk all over his chest! What does it all mean?

Dating: 12 AM- You’re back at your place with Jason. You take off your gown for sexual time. JASON gets down on one knee again!!!!!!! and reaches into his pocket. This is it!!!!! THIS IS the moment! He brings his hand out and reveals….. a floss pick. “There’s some biscuit in my tooth babe.” “You keep floss picks in your cargo shorts POCKET, you loser??GET OUT! GET OUT! YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!” You’re seeing red and within a minute Jason is gone.

Single: 1AM- You are blacked out and your brain is no longer forming short term memories. You come to and you are home alone. You look into the mirror and say, ” Happy v day self!”

Dating: 1 AM- You are home alone naked and you look into the mirror and say, ” Happy v day you!”



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