Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Notice that I said “ladies and gentlemen,” because that phrasing puts ladies first, which I also do. I have a really strong relationship with my mother, at least as long people are interested in hearing about it. In fact, I call her twice a day, just to talk. Sorry, I call her to listen. Because that’s my role: listening, not talking. I’m into listening, and I’m going to make sure you hear about it.
My best friend is a woman
that I’m trying to sleep with. I prefer things that way; I get along better with women because I’m driven by my desire to sleep with them. I call her my sister as a subtle way of declaring possession so that she feels welcome and unthreatened by me. She always comes to me for advice with the men she dates, which I like, because I can drive a wedge between her and the men I perceive as threats provide a good perspective.
I went to the Women’s March to show her
that I’m the type of guy she should be with support, because that’s just the kind of guy I am. It’s important to me that she has someone she can rely on because that way, when I later proclaim my love to her and make her choose between a romantic relationship or ending our friendship, it’ll be difficult for her to say goodbye to me.
Sometimes she thinks that I’m too skeptical of men, but that’s only because I know the way
I men think.
Sometimes I take her on “friend dates” to
try to trick her into a default relationship demonstrate how she should be treated. We go to dinner, take walks, and I try to get her to invite me to spend the night make sure she gets home safe. I’ll also pay her sweet compliments so she gets the hint that I’ve actually been in love with her this entire time understands her value and refuses to settle for less. When we go out, I always pay for everything, because I want her to feel indebted to me with her body have old-fashioned values.
I like to remind her that not all men who spend time with her are only doing so because they want sex, so that one day she will hopefully have sex with me. She likes having a close guy friend, so I can tell her when a guy
like me has bad intentions. As a guy with horrible intentions, I have the ability to point out when another man is invading my space doing something wrong. Most men are too possessive and controlling, so I make sure she avoids that trap and only spends time with me. “I’ll always be here for you,” I like to remind her. Whether she likes it or not.