Company Policy Changes We Are Making For Purely Environmental Reasons And Definitely Not Budget Reasons

Parking in the company lot will now cost $20 per day. This policy is designed to encourage our employees to adopt more sustainable forms of transportation, such as walking twelve miles to work.

Toilets in the office restrooms will only flush after every third use.

Remember to bring your own (reusable) toilet paper.

Office thermostats will be set at 40°F in the winter and 90°F in the summer.

In an effort to cut our electricity consumption, lighting will no longer be provided in the office. If you need to work past sunset, you may bring a jar of fireflies for illumination.

To reduce electronic waste, the timeline for upgrading obsolete technology has been extended to once per lifespan of a giant sequoia. If your job involves heavy data analytics, please reserve computing time on the ENIAC in advance, or drop by the IT department to pick up an abacus.

Employees will no longer receive paid time off, as we have found that too many people have been using vacation days to engage in unnecessary carbon-intensive activities, such as flying to their brother’s wedding or driving to the hospital to visit their sick grandmother.

No more cost of living salary adjustments. It’s easier to avoid the temptation of buying gas-guzzling SUVs or living in energy-inefficient McMansions when you can’t make the payments on them. Minimum wage, minimum greenhouse gas emissions!

Because children are the future of energy consumption, parental leave will be eliminated to discourage wasteful reproductive behavior. Pregnant women will also need to pay for half of their travel expenses on work trips, unless the fetus is coming along for a legitimate business purpose.

The company will no longer contribute towards 401(k) retirement plans. Studies have shown that people’s carbon footprints decrease dramatically after death. We urge all our employees to consider dying at 65 as an environmentally-friendly alternative to retirement.

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