By Chandler Dean and Ginny Hogan
As a nation-uniting centrist, I understand the urgency of the challenges facing this country — but I also want us to be realistic about what we can afford. I hate incrementalism, but I think it’s okay as a first step. So here, I provide some totally workable, fiscally feasible solutions to the nation’s biggest problems. Because I believe, if we come together and unite both sides of the aisle, we can trim down the national deficit by upwards of $80 at the small expense of thousands, if not millions, of human lives.
- Rising Sea Levels: I advocate a “let it happen” approach. Sure, houses might be destroyed (yours included), but also, parents no longer need to shell out memberships to the YMCA for their kids to learn to swim. It’s a wash — literally!
- Wildfires: Water is expensive; we’ve all (and I do mean “all”) been to SoulCycle. Instead of spending money, if you notice a devastating wildfire near you, try spitting on the flames. Urine is free in most parts of the country, so try that next. If both of those approaches fail, yes, maybe we should allot federal dollars for Fiji bottles — the only acceptable water.
- Media Monopolization: Cut the cord and subscribe to Disney+! It has everything. Or, at least it will have everything when outstanding content licensing agreements end in Q4 2021.
- Medical Bankruptcy: Has anyone tried just seeing what happens if you never pay your bills? What’s the doctor gonna do, sue you? It takes them, like, 4 weeks to send an X-Ray– I dare them to try and get their court paperwork together. Medicare for All de jure seems highly impractical but what if I just lifehacked us into getting it de facto?
- Cyberthreats from Iran: Geeeeeez, just put your phone away for once! Millennials!
- Homelessness: Ok, homelessness is on the rise, possibly owing to displacement due to natural disasters and bankruptcy from unpaid medical bills, but I can’t really say for sure. Relax, we got you covered. So, it turns out it’s actually cheaper to give homeless people homes than to imprison them or force them to sleep on the streets. But that just sounds so practical – sorry, I meant radical – so instead, I propose distributing vouchers that homeless people can use to exchange for 5% discounts at participating AirBnBs. It’s so simple – they just have to break out their phones.
- Widespread Voter Suppression: Sure, there’s a lot going on that you might want to vote on. However, not everyone has that privilege, so as a white liberal, I will simply not vote, in solidarity with my oppressed brothers and sisters of color. Plus, registering to vote seems like a hassle anyway. Join me!
- The Fall of Local Reporting: I recommend listening to that classic PSA: If You See Something, Write a 1000-Word Article About It And Make $7.23 From The Medium Partner Program. This is a great way to make sure no one really knows what’s going on.
- Armed Revolution: Shoot, I thought no one had any idea what was actually going on! It’s possible we should have let people vote, but that’s okay; they found another way to communicate. The proletariat is banging down the door of the ruling class, ready to seize their rightful power once and for all. Fear not – we have created a Google Form that will allow them to express their grievances. Then, we will share those findings with a consulting firm, which will advise us how to respond in 4-6 weeks, hopefully before millions of people rise up and use force to loosen our grip on the country’s economy. Easy-peasy.
- Immigration: Fortunately, this is an extremely affordable national emergency because it isn’t one. Onto the next.
- Mass Incarceration: As per the proletariat uprising outlined above, we do now have a few too many prisoners. I’ve got it figured out, though! We could exploit the labor of prisoners to offset costs! Oh, we already do that? Why don’t we make conditions nearly unlivable? That’s covered too? Maybe we could just imprison fewer nonviolent working-class people who were forced into the school-to-prison pipeline as a matter of circumstance. Ahh, I see — that would undermine the unspoken purpose of the whole enterprise. Hmmm…can I just purchase a copy of The New Jim Crow and put it on my bookshelf to maintain plausible deniability? Great, deal.
- Nuclear Attack That Wipes Out Your Entire City: Actually, this solves all previous problems for you – you’re so welcome.
- Bad WiFi: I’m willing to throw all federal dollars available at this issue.