Fred is nice and all, but I have my doubts. It’s like, sure, he’ll GET the check at Red Lobster tonight (I suggested the place because I am trash), but will he GET custody of our future twins, Miles and Harriet?
Let’s get real. This inevitable bastard is going to have weekend visitation rights AT BEST. I’m not an idiot. I’ve seen Marriage Story. I too have the capability of hiring a high power female lawyer with Laura Dern level moxie. If this Bumble date thinks he’s gonna steal our future fraternal twins from me after all he’s put us through (prostitution and money laundering), he’s got another thing coming. His ass, on a plate, namely.
I won’t lie, Fred and I have only just met, but I’m no doofus. You think I’m gonna sit here like an average dud and imagine our wedding within five minutes of meeting him?? Been there, imagined that. I’m a grown up now. There’s a bigger and more pressing vision on my mind…our inevitable DIVORCE. Yeah. I’ve seen The Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce on Bravo TV, and I’m no fool. I too can write a book about our separation and make millions off of Fred’s emotional plight. As evidenced by Abby, it doesn’t take all that much work!!
It’s been seven minutes total of me and Fred knowing each other and I’ve already imagined…
- Our first time having intercourse (most likely tonight)
- Our wedding (destination CABO of course)
- The birth of our twins Miles and Harriet (we’ll have to do IVF, i’m sure I’m nearly barren)
- The death of our Pitbull Jimmy (irrelevant but sad all the same)
- His affair with Brenda, his secretary (at least he’s successful enough to have a secretary)
- Our brutal divorce
- Our harrowing custody battle
- Me winning said custody battle
- Him dying alone, sorry kids!
Ultimately, it’s been an OK 10 minutes (the cheesy biscuits are delish), but I’m not blind! I know that getting involved with ANY man is bad news. Sorry Fred, you might think you’re gonna score tonight, which you probably will, but man on man are you gonna LOSE down the line. Miles and Harriet ARE MINE sucker!!!!!