What I’ll Think If You Schedule a Meeting But Don’t Specify Why
By Ginny Hogan & Laurence Pevsner
I’m getting fired.
You’re breaking up with me because I’m getting fired. You are my boss and my partner, but you’ve decided my inability to iron my clothes has made me unfit to be either.
I have spinach in my teeth, for which reason I’m getting fired. I work for the fast-food lobby, it’s bad PR. Maybe I’ll get hired by the spinach lobby afterward, but I’ll probably get fired again for suggesting that Pop-Eye the sailor has a smaller brand than Popeyes the popcorn chicken place. Then I’ll learn my lesson to never speak truth to power in the workplace. The worst part is—I don’t even like spinach.
I’m not being invited to the all-staff holiday karaoke party, for obvious reasons (last year’s incident – how was I to know ferrets aren’t allowed inside?). However, attendance at the party is mandatory, so I’m now fired.
I’m getting fired because my whole job was getting likes on our corporate Instagram account, and Instagram got rid of the like counters so what’s the point. This is—and I really do mean it—the worst thing Mark Zuckerberg has ever done.
I’m getting proactively fired from the job I was going to apply to next week. I assume this is AI’s fault.
I’m getting kicked out of the friend group, which is like being fired from my personal life. Also, being in the friend group was my full-time occupation, so I’m also actually fired.
Someone is dead. Thank god—my first thought was that I’d been fired! This is much better. I mean, everyone dies, but not everyone is incompetent enough to get fired. But wait—what if it’s me? I can’t hold a job if I’m not alive!
You’re my doctor, telling me my illness is cured, thereby firing me as your patient.
The dead person is my father. Phew. I haven’t come into any money, but I have inherited a vast supply of goats. Sadly, I must devote all my remaining energy to keeping the goats alive, so I will inevitably neglect my professional duties and get fired.
I’ve been drafted into a land war in Russia. Which isn’t so bad—at least I’ll be employed. Oh, no, it’s unpaid—I’m fired. Speaking of which, should we get the land warriors to unionize?
You’re a wizard and you now feel comfortable telling me that the spam letter my (recently deceased) father threw out 13 years ago labeled “Open Now For An AMAZING Offer” was my acceptance to Hogwarts. It’s too late now. I never learned how to use my powers, hence I try to answer emails with a wand, fail, and subsequently get fired.
For the first time in American history, a write-in candidate who wasn’t running has won the presidential election! Trump is unseated by a miracle-working do-gooder who hasn’t yet been corrupted by Washington—it’s a joy. Republicans in Congress are so shocked they’ve decided the winner is actually the prodigal son (it’s a woman, but there’s only so much progress one election can make), and they’re willing to do whatever she says. No more partisan bickering from those fools! Kids love going to school! Fast food is healthy now! Global warming comes to a complete halt! The meanies are cancelled! Sadly, the person who won is my boss, which means I’m now out of a job.
I’m getting promoted—my new title is “person that was just fired.”