Out Of Office Emails From Your ADHD Addled Brain

Hey, thank you so much for your inquiry about completing a normal, average work task that you complete everyday. Should be easy and brain muscle memory at this point, but I regret to inform you that I am currently spiritually on the beach right now drinking a daiquiri with your ex-boyfriend from college, going over every aspect of your final conversation together, intercut with the Seinfeld laugh track and every time your boss has ever talked down to you. Oh, and I am still mad about the How I Met Your Mother series finale, which you watched with said ex-boyfriend. Try completing this basic work task during your next workday.

Wow, I am so thrilled you care enough about yourself to incorporate a skincare routine into your daily life. Unfortunately, the memory of that article you read which told you what comes first, toner or moisturizer, is currently unavailable because right now I am fixated on the fact that while Hamilton is great, that “Jefferson responds with Virginian insight,” line from Leslie Odom Jr’s Tony audition tape number “The Room Where It Happens” is cringy as hell. Enjoy your clogged pores, whore.

What’s that? You ordered an overpriced caffeinated iced beverage specifically for the focus and the energy? Because you have things to do? That works sometimes but guess what??!? PARADOXICAL REACTION 

Not right, not right, not right! Something about this work environment is not right! Cannot do the work! Try turning down your white noise– NO! No, that made it WORSE, you fool! How am I supposed to focus when there’s nothing to drown out your coworker lauding her keto diet? Turn it back– TOO LOUD! Too loud, too loud! Get up and wander around aimlessly right now. Then you must browse Travel Masters and toggle between a cruise and resort you can’t afford to Cuba, or was it Alaska?

Where is your chapstick? It’s okay, it’s probably at the bottom of your purse, you say, and you have another one at home, you say. Okay, that’s fine. We can work through this slight distraction. Now, let’s see, our supreme leader Meryl Streep was born in (*whispering* chaaaaapstick) in 1969, to her parents, Mary and Harry, which rhymes, which is funny, kind of like how two minutes ago you had your- chap- okay, focus. Focus, it’s fine… what flavor chapstick do you think Meryl wears?

*The chorus of “Fireflies” by Owl City over and over*

I’m aware that your boss is speaking to you directly right now. And by “aware,” I mean in the loosest sense. I see the mouth moving, I hear things vaguely. But right now, I’m just wondering, what did you have for breakfast? It seems weird that it’s only been maybe two hours and you can’t remember. I think you had some grapefruit juice– grapefruit. Doesn’t that fuck up some antidepressants? Which is bad, because the United States of America is having a mental health crisis- what’s that? The big boss man is asking if you understand? Yes, nod and say yes impulsively before you can even process what is being asked. That is what you must do. Must, I say.

Nope, nope, sorry. Currently wondering if Alicia Keys ever gets lonely.

Life comes at you fast. Which is why I am currently hurling disjointed thoughts at you as you try and write in this coffee shop. I know you’re trying to finish a–why is that man over there wearing a trench coat–sentence, and that you specifically came to this place to–the song playing in here right now just sounds like it’ll end up on the soundtrack of the movie with the first female James Bond–write. I am aware. But now is not the time–the time has passed, just like that appointment at your kid’s school you forgot about. Where were you in this essay? I have no idea. But I do have an idea about where that loud lady next to you got those cute shoes. Oh, and I did I mention that you don’t even like the taste of the fancy coffee drink you ordered that you’ve been mindlessly drinking? Yeah, don’t order it again, even though you will, because I will probably not retain this information.

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