You’re Invited To My CUMming Out Party!

When: Friday July 31st (I know that’s far, but that day is national orgasm day) @ 10:47 p.m. because that’s the time I came!

Where: In my bedroom because that’s where it happened! lol!

What: BYOP: Bring Your Own Polaroid, to snap a picture with me in my bed where the historic moment took place!

Why: BECAUSE I ORGASM’D 

*Note* You can bring a +1, but only if your +1 has made you cum before.

Friends, colleagues, and NOT my family (because I don’t have any and that’s probably part of the reason it took me so long to cum lmao trauma! Okurr),

You’re inviting to my CUMming out party! After years of faking it and breaking many vibrators, I finally orgasm’d! As many of you know, this was a long time coming for me. I thought perhaps I just wasn’t like anyone else, broken, never able to be fully satisfied. But it happened, I am just like everyone else, masturbating in my pajamas every Friday night!. I bet you’re all wondering, who? Who is the lucky person who deflowered you??? And to that I say, yesterday (yes I’m sending this the literal day after) it was reaffirmed of how much of an independent woman I am, that in fact, I made myself cum. Turns out all I had to do was put SNL on, have a bag of chicken next to me, and fill the room with aromatherapy, and boom! Cum. Is this TMI for an invitation? Honestly, whatever, I’m sure most of you are just glad I will stop talking about it in the office already. Here’s an outline of what I have planned for the night:

10:47 p.m.: Guests arrive PROMPTLY.

10:50 p.m.: After saying hi to each other quickly, put the attention back on me and line up to get a polaroid taken with me on my bed, where the big moment happened.

10:55 p.m.: After the pictures are taken, we will all eat a celebratory rotisserie chicken (the same type of chicken I had next to me when it happened).

11:15 p.m.: After we have all finished the whole chicken, we will sit in a circle on my bed (my bed’s a queen, we’ll make it work) and go around and tell everyone “The first time I came!” stories.

3 a.m.: Of course, that part will take up most of the night because we don’t want to rob anyone of details. At this point, I will say goodnight and send ya’ll home with gift baskets that contain avocados and a singular salmon in each basket (avocados and fatty fish are scientifically proven to give you better orgasms).

If able to attend please respond “yazz” if not, please respond with a four paragraph essay (intro, three bodies, and conclusion) of why you are unable to make the historic evening. Alright, kisses! Excited to see you guys in half a year for this!

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