Dear Bachelorette Party Attendee/Least Favorite Bridesmaid,
It has come to our attention that you displayed repulsive bridesmaid behavior both leading up to and during a bachelorette party on the eve of February 9, after the bride-to-be, your cousin Lindsay, filed an official complaint with us, The High Court of Bachelorette Party Affairs.
Following a private investigation of the matter, YOUR BRIDESMAID DUTIES HAVE BEEN REVOKED by a unanimous vote from our executive board.
Please turn in any and all monogrammed gifts to our office (located in the parking lot of the mall, near the entrance closest to the icing store) IMMEDIATELY.
As the High Court of Bachelorette Party Affairs, we aim to prevent this type of abomination from undermining future wedding endeavors. Therefore, we have compiled a list of the offenses you committed, with the hope you will use these as teaching moments to change course going forward:
Offense #1: Failed to decorate refrigerator with engagement photos of the bride and groom
When asked about the decorative magnet, save the date invitation, and engagement scrapbook, (mailed to everyone in the wedding party) you admitted to “possibly throwing it out with the junk mail coupon packs, but it’s hard to know for sure.”
Any dutiful bridesmaid knows that displaying these items in a high-visibility space, such as upon a fridge, nightstand, kitchen counter, or car bumper is proper protocol for a wedding, as stated in the Bridesmaid handbook, page 8736, third paragraph.
Offense #2: Displayed a lack of trivia knowledge about the engaged couple
When the bride-to-be kicked off the evening with a game of Bridal Trivia, it quickly became apparent you had not studied her wedding website (TheKnot.com/LindsayAndAdam4Eternity), or the accompanying Quizlet study set.
A prerequisite of attending any bachelorette party is knowing intimate details about the couple, such as their lackluster sex life and tedious details about their inside jokes with one another. Yet you incorrectly guessed the bride met the groom during $1 Dollarita night at Applebee’s. You dolt, this is where they got engaged!
Additionally, you claimed the fiance, Adam, works at a bank, but he works in finance. While we can’t confirm what the difference is, Lindsay is adamant there is one.
Offense #3: Offered no creative wedding Instagram hashtag suggestions
When everyone wrote down their wedding hashtag suggestions and placed them into a mason jar, you excused yourself to use the bathroom. Our extensive data mining revealed that during this time, you posted on your secret Twitter account, “Is it just me, or are wedding hashtags #stupid?” Yes, our surveillance team knows about your secret social media accounts. We’re owned by Facebook.
Not only is a wedding hashtag an absolute requirement for any modern couple who wants to make their friends jealous, but the bride made this request VERY clear in the Bachelorette Party Facebook Group, Evite, Pinterest Board, newsletter, group text, group Facebook message, sky writing invitation, and in three separate blog posts on TheKnot.com/LindsayAndAdam4Eternity.
Offense #4: Refused to wear the mandatory uniform or don any dick decor
When it was time to begin the first photoshoot (of seven) for the evening, you wouldn’t change into the customized bachelorette party t-shirt from Davidsbridal.com with text written in stylish calligraphy font: “pop the bubbly, Lindsay’s getting a hubby.” You were also hesitant to adorn yourself in any dick decor, claiming the phallic straws, necklaces, tiaras, and mints were too embarrassing to wear in public.
Stylish calligraphy and dick accessories are the most important pieces of a bachelorette party ensemble and well worth the $48 Venmo request. Please Venmo Brooke for them, the outstanding request is collecting interest.
Offense #5: Exhibited lackluster endurance on the drinking trolley
When the bridal party embarked on their main activity for the evening, a drinking trolley, you presented weak pedaling skill en route to the group’s destination; a male strip club of the name Real Life Male Strippers Don’t Look Like Channing Tatum, Sorry.
All bridesmaids are expected to pedal their hearts out on the trolley, which is why you were invited to attend spin classes at Orangetheory with the bridal party for the past three months. Your lack of fitness regime resulted in the other bridesmaids, Christina, Brooke, and Amanda having to work twice as hard to get the trolley there.
You are being held accountable for all the pit stains that ensued.
Offense #6: Skipped out on the bachelorette party brunch the next morning
When it was time to attend the additional, obligatory brunch the following morning, you turned down mimosas in order to make it to work on time.
As a bridesmaid, you should’ve received a Facebook invitation into the group’s multi-level marketing business weeks ago and quit your day job already in order to invest in a flexible work schedule that allows you endless time in the day to celebrate the bride (when you aren’t selling fitness shakes).
If you can’t even do this one little favor, you simply aren’t ready to be a bridesmaid.
At this time, you will be placed on a probationary period with the High Court. You are hereby prohibited from participating in any bachelorette-adjacent activities, including traveling to Disney World, Las Vegas, Nashville, or Bed Bath & Beyond for the next 6 months, purchasing whimsical items on Etsy, or listening to Taylor Swift.
If it proves you have displayed exemplary behavior during your probationary period, you may submit an appeal to our High Court after 6 months, at which point we will decide whether to accept you back as an Active Member of the bridal party universe, on the condition that you wear a hideous orange mermaid dress to Lindsay’s wedding.