Frequently Asked Questions About Sleep

What is sleep?

It is a state of body and mind in which muscles are relaxed, eyes are closed, and consciousness is dormant. 

Why do I sleep?

You sleep to allow your body to repair itself, your mind to consolidate memories, and your soul to ignore work emails for seven hours.   

Once I’ve started sleeping, how can I stop?

Loud noises, bright lights, or physical touch may awaken a sleeper. Many people set alarms to buzz at their desired time of awakening, but these may be thwarted by the repeated pressing of “Snooze.”

Can I sleep with other people near me?

You may sleep with any other human. The most common sleeping configurations are between romantic partners, parents & children, and an elderly person and people politely ignoring them.  

Sometimes I’m asleep, but I feel like I’m doing things, but then I wake up and I’ve been in bed the whole time. What’s that about?

That’s a dream. It’s your brain processing information. Some people believe dreams can be interpreted to give the dreamer secret insights. They are wrong. 

Sometimes I’m tired, but I can’t sleep? 

Yeah, that shouldn’t be happening. We’ll run this by our manager.

Manager?

Yes, manager. You didn’t think this FAQ was run by the guy in charge, did you?

So, you’re a sleep angel or something?

No, simply an intern of Hypnos, God of Sleep. He is a gentle being with wings coming out of his temples who sleeps on a bed of ebony in a grotto where no sound or light may enter. 

Why do I not know about any of this?

You know about Hypnos while sleeping but forget upon waking.

Are there things that can help me sleep?

The most common sleep aids are physical exertion, certain medications, and large glasses of warm milk. 

Can anything prevent sleep?

Caffeine, certain mediations, and small glasses of cold milk poured on you at regular intervals. 

Sleepwalking. What’s that about?

Sleepwalking is Spicy Sleep.

Sleep Paralysis?

Scary Sleep.

Sleeping In?

Posh Sleep.  

Why do I yawn both before sleep and after sleep?

Yawning is mostly useful for testing if the people around you are psychopaths. 

What if I can’t sleep?

Ask yourself when the last time you slept was. If it hasn’t been at least twelve hours since your last sleep, you might not need more.  

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and can go right back to sleep, but then other times I can’t. What’s with that? 

Again, we’ll ask our manager once he emerges from his cave in the underworld. 

When is the best time to sleep?

Typically night time, but depending on your lifestyle you may need to sleep during the day. A nocturnal sleep schedule is suitable for shift workers, new parents, and masked vigilantes.

Why do babies sleep so much?

If babies did not allow their parents time to rest, their parents would eat them.

Does it matter what position I sleep in?

Most commonly, people sleep on their back, side, or stomach. Only one of these is correct.

Can sleep be dangerous?

The act itself doesn’t pose a danger, but the location of your body when sleep arrives can pose a threat. Try not to fall asleep while operating a vehicle, standing on a ledge, or underwater.

Why can’t I do things while I’m asleep?

Don’t worry, capitalism will soon find a way for you to be productive during sleep. 

Am I asleep right now? 

Probably not. 

How do you know? You’re just an intern.

People who are asleep don’t normally participate in FAQs.

But what if my entire existence has actually been a dream? And one day I’ll wake up to find that everything I believed to be true about my life was a lie. Or, even worse, I’m living in someone else’s dream and when they wake up I’ll cease to exist. How does anyone go about living when their entire existence might just be the random firing of neurons in the mind of a sleeping Creator?    

We’ll be sure to run this by our manager. 

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