I am a rock in your left shoe and am requesting squatter’s rights. I understand you’ve been through a lot recently what with the piece of lint in your pants ousting you of your trousers. But I have every right to request ownership of your left shoe.
For the last 7 years, I have been hiding, clinging on to the inner sanctum that is your left shoe. Sometimes, you may think you have imagined that there was a rock there, checking, shaking and attempting to dislodge me only to discover nothing is there. But I have been there the whole time. You didn’t only imagine it. I clung, not easily, to areas of your shoe that I dare not say, lest I get embarrassed
You may be saying to yourself, “Tut-tut, but I don’t believe you’ve been here the whole time.” Trust me, I have. I have recorded my stay here, and like a convict scratches tally marks on the walls, I scratched holes into the sole of your shoe.
You may think you have endured much hardship, sometimes finding me in between your heal, but I can assure you I have been through much more. Have you tried to hide in an insole? Most likely, you have not. I won’t stress you with the details but the insole lays host to a lot of dangerous characters.
I have endured a lot of maleficence on your part. For example, you do not change your socks frequently, creating a nasty and ill environment in the shoe; and you occasionally (much too occasionally) do not wear socks. This has created a toxic environment in your shoe and has even upset the dangerous characters in the insole—and you don’t want to do that.
You can rest assured that I will take much better care of your left shoe. I fit more comfortably in your shoe and with all the added space, I can finally start that family I always wanted.
Please, this is nothing against you as a person, just your left foot. We all have body parts we don’t like, and there’s good reason why you shouldn’t like your left foot. I am sure your right foot is a fine foot, a splendid foot.
In closing, I am a rock in your shoe and am requesting squatter’s rights. Your foot is not a welcomed guest, and I will have to forthwith evict you from these premises.
The rock in your left shoe