Author notes: Simple; reliable.
Technique: Merely open the mouth and place one Standard Orientation Pringle atop the tongue. (Standard Orientation – the orientation at which a Pringle rests in an appropriately vertical can).
Strengths: Excellent seasoning-to-tongue contact. Requires minimal training.
Weaknesses: Can become monotonous.
Author notes: Unpredictable; not recommended for beginners.
Technique: Mechanically identical to Standard Insertion but with a crisp in Non-Standard Orientation.
Strengths: Technically as efficient as Standard Insertion. Depending on seasoning distribution, can achieve higher seasoning-to-tongue density than Standard Insertion.
Weaknesses: Inconsistent results. Can lead to upper palate abrasions.
Horizontal (Side-First) Insertion
Author notes: Come now, let’s be serious.
Author notes: Irreverent; socially appealing.
Technique: Stack two crisps together with the bottom in Standard Orientation and the top in Non-Standard Orientation. Place one end of the stack into the mouth and compress with the lips, creating visual effect of Pringle duck bills.
Strengths: Is neat-o. Draws admiration and praise from spectators. Allows socially acceptable consumption of two crisps at once.
Weaknesses: Awkward chew logistics. Wildly inconsistent, sometimes messy results.
Inverted Duck Bills
Author notes: Unholy; not to be spoken of.
Technique: Describing its mechanics may lead to the increased practice of this Pringle abomination, so this will be omitted. May God have mercy on your souls.
Strengths: Allows the rest of us to identify the blasphemous.
Weaknesses: Eternal damnation.
Author notes: Satisfying; invites front teeth to the Pringle party.
Technique: Begin process of Standard Insertion but bite down, forcefully, when the crisp’s midpoint has reached the bicuspids. Chew for a moment and then complete the full process of a Standard Insertion with the remaining half of crisp.
Strengths: Resonant crunch is an auditory delight. Effectively allows two Standard Insertions with a single crisp.
Weakness: Can be wasteful, depending on debris scatter.
Author notes: Silly; ostentatious buffoonery.
Technique: Begin the process of a Standard Insertion but bite down the moment the crisp’s edge eclipses the bicuspids. Enact a rapid series of low-impact bites as you insert the crisp, mimicking the consumption of a carrot by an animated rabbit.
Strengths: Enjoyable to small children. Some of the Pringle gets into your mouth.
Weaknesses: Unconscionably wasteful. Aesthetically absurd. Loss of respect among serious Pringle enthusiasts.
Author notes: Illogical; asinine.
Technique: Complete a Standard Insertion with two crisps stacked neatly atop one another, Orientations matched, as it they are simply one extra-thick crisp.
Strengths: Twice as much crisp matter in mouth compared to Standard Insertion.
Weaknesses: 50% of seasoning surface area locked against adjacent crisp. Speeds the overall pringling process, which should be savored. Generally stupid.
Triple Insertion (or higher)
Author notes: Seek psychological evaluation immediately. This is not a joke. Like sadistic sexual fetishes and the torture of small animals, this method of Pringle consumption can predict the development of homicidal tendencies. Better yet, contact your local branch of the FBI and turn yourself in before someone gets hurt. Maybe you can work for them as a consultant, or something, while they keep you in a nicely furnished prison cell, and you can help them catch serial killers. That’s been the plot of a few TV shows, right? I don’t know, I’m just spit-balling here. The important thing is you are seriously disturbed. Get help.
Author notes: Immensely satisfying; absolutely necessary for satisfactory completion of pringling process.
Technique: When less than 15% of crisps remain in the can, replace the lid and shake vigorously, like a bartender preparing a martini. Listen for the rise in pitch as the remaining crisps mix with the crumbs and break apart into smaller pieces. Open the lid, and visually confirm that no shards larger than an eighth of a crisp remain. Pour contents into the mouth and enjoy.
Strengths: Near perfect seasoning to tongue contact. Allows perfect control of crisp matter admitted into mouth. Closest snacking experience to sexual climax.
Weakness: Limited to one occurrence per can.