JEREMY(): Pulls in the revenue numbers you need from Jeremy in accounting so you don’t have to walk over to his desk and hear him audibly sigh at your request, like it’s your fault when he’s the one who has ignored three straight emails.
SPIN(): Select a range of data and this will give you some competent-sounding nonsense about it to tell corporate.
TIMES(): This function timeses numbers together for people too stupid to say “multiply.”
EXINSTA(): Pulls your ex’s Instagram feed into your spreadsheet so you don’t have to always keep it open in a second window.
STRIPNAME(): Generates a person’s stripper name by inputting their birthday month and favorite Thanksgiving dish, saving you hours otherwise spent creating a list of stripper names by hand.
STRIPNAME.PL(): Generates a person’s stripper name, but in Pig Latin.
CRUSH(): Crafts a text to send your crush asking them if they enjoyed the most recent holiday, accounting for your preferred number of emojis and how many times you’ve already texted them without getting a response.
SMILEY(): Displays “:-)” in your spreadsheet. (Note: only available in Excel 2016 and later.)
COOKBOOKS(): Manipulates your company’s financial records to disguise the fact that you’ve been skimming off the top. Although typing out this function takes more time than doing simple subtraction, using this function makes you feel like you’re in the pivotal scene of an HBO miniseries based on your heist.
ME.STUPID(): After inputting the name of another function and a confession that you’re a shit-for-brains moron having trouble with Excel, this returns a hyperlink to the relevant Microsoft Office help page. (Note: The exact phrasing of the confession can vary, although it must include the term “shit-for-brains.”)
SUMRICE(): Just like the regular SUM() function, but every time you use this version, Microsoft donates a grain of rice to families in need.
BMI(): Type your height and weight to calculate your Body Mass Index. (Note: BMI is a flawed metric that does not account for variables like muscle mass, genetics, or if you’re going through a bad breakup and have eaten a little too much ice cream these past few weeks.)
MLM(): To find out what this does, you need to convince three friends to sell Office 365 subscriptions.
LAYCOUNT(): After granting Excel webcam access, this function provides an estimate of how many people you’ve slept with, based on your facial symmetry and the number of blackheads on your nose. (Note: Microsoft must still be working out some bugs because my results definitely seem low.)
LIVESTREAMHD(): When referencing an NBA team’s name, this function returns a link to the best-quality illegal feed for that night’s game.
CLUSTERFUCK(): Good luck trying to figure out how to use this one.
I love you: Technically not a function, but it’s important to remind users that they can type it out whenever they need to just feel something.
RETIREMENT(): Input your salary, savings, and age to calculate how much longer you have to work until retirement. (Note: It always feels far too long because you settled for that desk job instead of becoming one of those people who feeds the animals at the zoo. Why didn’t you pursue that as a career? But how would you even begin to do that? Would you have to go back to school to study zoology? There aren’t exactly job listings online for that kind of thing. How did you get stuck spending every day in an office staring at a computer screen, when for as long as you can remember, all you ever wanted to do was toss fish to otters? Damnit, your boss wants that analytics report by tomorrow morning.)
TIP(): Who knew Excel had a built-in tip calculator? How handy! (Note: To use this function, you will need to lug your computer to the restaurant.)
MOVEON(): Input the date you broke up with your ex and it will tell you that Jesus, it’s time to move on already.
FOLLOWRATIO(): Input your Twitter handle and Excel will kindly tell you if your follower-to-following ratio is “decent” or “not that bad, considering how you, like, barely go on.”
FUEL(): Pulls the current unleaded gasoline price at the 76 gas station in Wetumpka, AL. This is not to be confused with the GAS() function, which provides the prices for the neighboring Millbrook, AL location and is obviously useless.
KILLSWITCH(): Type this and your computer will begin to loudly overheat and all programs will freeze, requiring a lengthy restart process that you can use as an excuse to pass off a timely assignment onto a coworker with a functioning computer.
TEXTCOLOR(): Insert your ex’s phone number and Excel will confirm if everyone’s text messages to her now deliver as green bubbles instead of blue iMessages, or if she blocked you.