If You Are Committed To Meeting Female Beauty Standards, You Will Carry Around This Jewel-Encrusted Spit Bucket

There are so many beauty standards women have to pay attention to. Some of them were made a millennia ago (vintage!), some of them seem fairly arbitrary, and a lot of them conflict with each other. As a woman, it’s your duty—nay, privilege—to fulfill these expectations perfectly. To help you navigate the minefield, here’s a handy little guide! Remember, if you do not meet even one of these standards, you will be judged a failure by not only men, but all people! Just have fun with it, girlfriend! 

There are some pretty straightforward beauty standards that we can meet right away. Conventional wisdom states that beautiful women are all 5 feet flat and 5’7″ at the exact same time, while also being at least 3 inches shorter than her male partner in heels. Did you read that ladies? No exceptions!

All women should weigh exactly 124 pounds. Girl babies shouldn’t weigh more than the boy babies in the hospital room, because that would be embarrassing for all of us. Any adult woman who gains more than an ounce of weight at a time should, morally speaking, be punished by death. 

What (and How) to Eat on First Dates
Now let’s get down to the hard stuff. On first dates, it’s super important to get a burger. That signals two things to the man sitting across from you: first, you’re a cool girl. Only cool girls eat red meat, casually, sandwiched in between two high-calorie buns. Second, you’re not pushing the liberal agenda of vegetarianism to the poor man sitting across from you. You’re there to nod your head at all of his beliefs, not to get him to listen, or even have to subconsciously acknowledge, yours!

As you may have guessed, ordering a hamburger is only the first step. It looks so good, doesn’t it? The perfectly cooked patty, the fresh lettuce on top…it’s definitely delicious, but you know you can’t eat it. I mean, you can’t really eat it. You can, however, take a bite, chew it slowly (savor that flavor, girlfriend!) and then spit it out into the jewel-encrusted spit bucket you’ve snuck politely underneath the table. You need a spit bucket in order to faithfully abide by these first date expectations, while also maintaining the figure that your man both requires and deserves from you. Keep in mind that the spit bucket should be jewel-encrusted, because you are a lady, dammit! 

All women must be exclusively into men. It’s better for everyone if you’re specifically attracted to men who are a little less attractive than you are—this is just something men are really sensitive about and we like to cater to. If a woman is into other women, it should be for a man’s benefit, or else it is legally considered witchcraft.

The most confusing part about how to correctly be a woman might just be navigating the Bermuda Triangle of sex standards society has so lovingly given us. (We know, we know, it should be your business. But that isn’t the world we live in, sweetheart!) You have exactly two choices, and they are both extremely bad. The first choice is to be a Madonna figure, that is, a woman who is such a virgin that she doesn’t even have to have sex in order to give birth. This person doesn’t know what a clitoris is, and honestly doesn’t care to find out. The opposite of the Madonna figure is the whore figure. You can become a whore figure in a bunch of different ways: discovering the inseam of your jeans during class, making out with a J-14 poster of Justin Bieber, wearing a certain bra, or not wearing a certain bra. The whore figure might seem like more fun, but she has to spend every waking moment in fear of social retribution. Truly, what a fun, light-hearted decision to make!
Well, to that I’ll say, por qué no los dos? Personally, I decide to alternate every other day then spend the rest of my free time apologizing to everyone I inevitably offend. Best of both worlds! 

In order to be both a gym-goer and enticingly frail (your body needs to convincingly convey that you are active but still need to be taken care of), we recommend you do mild weight training and also be born with the genetic makeup of both Giselle the model and a gazelle, the animal. 

To maintain a non-threatening level of intelligence, we ask that you have at least one less degree from an accredited institution of higher education than the man you’re currently seeing. This will ensure that he feels like he is smarter than you, but also that you’re smart enough to understand how much smarter than you he is. 

Men say they like their women to look natural, but we know better. They actually want you to look like your best version of yourself, if the best version of yourself had access to a team of makeup artists and the ability to photoshop what you look like in real life. But if they see you touching up your concealer mid-day? Foreshame, self-involved Jezebel! 

We know these are a lot of rules to remember, but please don’t worry! Both strangers and members of your family have helpfully volunteered to remind you, loudly, when they think you’re doing something wrong. In the meantime, have an appropriate amount of fun, and remember your bucket!

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