I’m Definitely Not Gonna Make It To Your Thing Because Of Coronavirus, Not Because I Just Don’t Like Leaving My House

Hey, I’m gonna have to miss your thing. I’ve been reading this really great novel I mean the news all day and I just think it’s smarter not to ride the subway if I don’t absolutely have to. I have also been watching hours and hours of Broad City I mean the NEWS and it’s made me want to take every precaution so I’m gonna stay in and wash all the clothes that I wore last week when I left my apartment.

I’m sorry I’m gonna miss the fun but I’m gonna stay in and eat one of the 14 pints of ice cream I mean CANNED soup that I bought. I did a little shopping last week on the one day I left the house, just for groceries, you know because of coronavirus, not because in the regular course of my life I avoid having to leave my house at all costs except to go to my local deli to buy Cap’n Crunch and ice cream. No, this is not that. This is me being a conscientious citizen staying home, scrubbing all the door knobs, washing my face and sleeping in till 3 p.m. I MEAN meditating for an hour every day.

So rest assured, I’m only missing your thing because I feel that it is the very kindest thing I can do for humanity, to sit at home and toggle between Twitter, YouTube, the couch, Netflix, bed, ice cream, back to bed, eating cereal, I MEAN, taking this time of self-quarantine, to do some spring cleaning, meditating, vision boarding and writing that essay I have been working on for three years.

Please accept my sincerest apologies for missing your thing, and if you should postpone your thing for a later date due to coronavirus, just an FYI I’m busy ALL of April, May, June, July, August, September, October November and probably December too. 

Your thoughtful friend

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