When our show got cancelled after running for eighty-three seasons from 2006-2009, we decided to release a new novel to tell you the untold stories from Famous Ghost Hunters that never got released. We should clarify that we hunt famous ghosts, we are not ghost hunters that are famous. We couldn’t be famous because we are all white, named Trey, and the camera work was so shoddy you never actually saw our faces. You just heard three different dudes breathing heavily and loudly exclaiming things that mean nothing.
Famous ghost hunting was taken off the air in 2009 when criticisms that we were not diverse enough caught up to us. We should make it clear that we did research, and ghost hunting is a 100% Caucasian activity. This is because white people are the only people not constantly battling real issues formed by institutional behaviours, so we have resources to waste on fake things like ghost hunting (Note: this study also showed women spend a lot of their resources on battling real issues as well, which would explain why ghost hunting is also a 100% Caucasian male activity). Ghost hunting is just one fake activity that white people spend their bountiful resources on. Others include: reality television, murder mystery parties, calling people you’re not related to ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle,’ kayaking, essential oils, conspiracy theories, Milwaukee, protesting other people’s protests, astrology, zoology, trusting cops, and going wine tasting and then acting like they all taste different.
So here are some excerpts from famous ghosts we hunted that never made it into episodes:
Abraham Lincoln – We found ole Abe’s ghost in Ford’s Theatre, roaming the seats during intermission, looking for stray mints. He initially ran from us, but Trey and Trey managed to corner him in one of those eerie white halls in the back of the theatre that don’t lead to anything. He muttered in a ghastly whisper, but we managed to have a discussion with him because the acoustics were so good. He said he used to roam the White House and would try to creep out presidents whenever they did something stupid. Unfortunately, that had become too much work for him. So, now he’s back at Ford’s Theatre, making sure no one sits in his booth and enjoying productions of The Book of Mormon. He loves Andrew Rannells.
H.P. Lovecraft – We borrowed James Cameron’s submarine thing and travelled to the bottom of the ocean where we found the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft trying to have sex with the ghost of the Kraken from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Then, even in the crushing depths of the bottom of the sea, Lovecraft still managed to shout some racist shit at us. James Cameron then asked us to return his submarine thing so he could finish shooting his future film which is a crossover between Avatar and Titanic. This episode cost us $2 billion dollars to make and it never even got aired.
James Dean – We caught up with the ghost of James Dean in Santa Monica. He was in a dilapidated dorm room, and it took forever to find him. Usually ghosts are like throwing shit, making the walls bleed, or moving a rocking chair (Rocking chairs are very rare but the Venn diagram of people who have rocking chairs and people who are being haunted is just a circle). James Dean’s ghost was doing none of these things, so he was hard to find. He was just leaning against a wall, smoking. Looking cool as shit. And, like, we’re all homophobic white dudes named Trey who wear Oakleys even at night and only own three shirts but they’re all from Cabelas and they all have large pictures of fish on them. But good goddamn James Dean’s ghost was hot. He could get it.
Mary Shelley – Mary Shelley’s ghost was actually very easy to find. We think she may have been looking for us, in fact. We weren’t even filming an episode when she found us. Her ghost just accosted us in the street one night and started motioning for us to follow her. Knowing we should never look a gift ghost in the ethereal mouth, we started filming and set about the easiest ghost hunt ever. Shelley’s ghost led us to a graveyard, where she started gesturing to specific graves, then to a diagram of a human body she had drawn with blood, then to the sky at a coming storm cloud. We think she had been scoping out the graveyard for some time, picking which graves had the best parts for a new body, and now wanted us to build her vision. We planned to return and build Mary Shelley a new, rotting body for sweeps week, but never had the time.
These are just some of the unreleased stories from Famous Ghost Hunters which can be found in our new book; “The Untold Stories of Famous Ghost Hunters: We Hunt Famous Ghosts, Volume 18”. The book will be on sale later this year to help finance the divorces two of the Trey’s are going through and the funeral that the other Trey is holding for his late third wife.