by Gracie Kiaris, Maria Vicini and Kyrie Gray
Elizabeth Warren’s campaign team here! Elizabeth may have ended her campaign, but she hasn’t stopped looking out for you. Our team has decided that in light of the recent news, many of her supporters will be in desperate need of something sweet. That’s why our campaign is pivoting from government policy to ice cream policy. We’ve decided to launch an exclusive line of ice cream flavors to soothe your soul!
You may not be able to see Warren in the White House in 2020 (or her presidential pup, Bailey), but you can see her serving you a scoop of our delicious offerings. Packed full of promise, each flavor is served with 20 napkins made out of Warren’s extensive policy plans, turned into recycled materials. You’ll need the extra napkins because you’re likely to cry. Trust us.
Caucus & Cream:
This flavor is perfect for soothing a sore throat, like the one you probably had after screaming over the caucus and primary results. Warning: This ice cream can’t save you from the results come Election Night.
A flavor your grandma was originally excited to see served in her lifetime. In fact, Grandma claimed she’d be the first in line to order Elizabe… I mean, this flavor. Then she changed her mind after seeing a few ads on cable that said we weren’t ready for butter pecan, and now she’s sticking with vanilla.
Cookie Dough-n’t Even Try Me
If you can find the gold nuggets of cookie dough mixed into this ice cream, maybe you’ll be able to find any details in the remaining candidate’s platforms that are as solid as Elizabeth’s plans. We doubt it, though.
The Same Vanilla You’ve Had for Years
It’s vanilla. It’s fine. You’ll take it, but it’s hardly exciting. Served in a cone full of holes, it seems to be melting at an alarming pace.
Rum No Raisins
Ok, fine. It’s just really a carton of cold rum. Also available: Commemorative bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream. Sometimes you just need what you need, and Elizabeth doesn’t judge. Must be 21 or a Good Boy to purchase.
Rocky Road to Victory in November
Now that Elizabeth’s out of the race you’ll be bingeing this stuff during every upcoming debate. This ice cream has long, sticky strands of marshmallow fluff swirled into it, but don’t get stuck in the goo! It only takes one minute of hesitation to let the nuts get to you.
Pralines and Caramel Patriarchy
Delicious, nutty ice cream. We’ve inserted several cracks into the hard, caramelized glass-like surface, so it’s a little bit easier for you to enjoy this dessert that men have been enjoying for years.
We really thought that there would be at least three flavors of this stratified classic, but apparently we were wrong and nobody actually wants strawberry after all. This is half chocolate, half vanilla, and if it makes you more comfortable, we can even split it into two separate bowls.
Viable Fro-gressive Zero Sugar Frozen Yogurt
This flavor tastes pretty similar to the ice cream you actually wanted, but is ultimately less satisfying and only appeases hipsters. In the end, you know you’ll buy it, but the gummy trolls swirled throughout make it tough to swallow. We’ve politely requested the manufacturer would address our concerns, but they are adamant that a few bad candies aren’t their fault.
Bloomberg Is Bananas Foster
We provide the blowtorch! Feel free to roast this until it’s a sad little puddle. Once you put the flames out, it will taste just as sweet as the debates felt, but fair warning, you won’t get credit for being the one to set it on fire.
Mint Chip in $5 to Our Team Today!
If you want a presidential campaign as refreshing as this scoop of mint chocolate chip, we suggest you donate now!
Please note that most of these flavors will be discontinued shortly. Frankly, we are running low on enthusiasm and energy ourselves, so we’ll probably just resign ourselves to a heaping scoop of vanilla and gear up for a brand refresh in 2024. Until then, dream big, fight hard, and eat ice cream.