Thank you for partnering with Your Ménage™ as a subsidiary, The Eldest Daughter™!
These Terms and Conditions hereby solicit a binding contract between You, The Eldest Daughter™ (the daughter company), and Your Ménage™ (the parent company).
You must read and comply to the following regulations below in order to win approval from your parent company.
The Eldest Daughter is 100-percent owned by the parent company.
Due to the weight of the parent company’s expectations, The Eldest Daughter™ is susceptible to quarter-life (stretching far into mid-life) anxiety.
Breach of this agreement will result in Your Ménage’s™ disappointment and your own loaded guilt complex.
· You are primarily consulted for many, many, and many domestic affairs.
· You are a “first-tier subsidiary” (aka “a daughter company”), so you must produce a “second-tier subsidiary” (aka “a granddaughter company”) later on. Breaking this fulfillment will result in legal action.
· You will be the ONLY one to indemnify the parent company upon its foreseeable retirement. You do not receive any secondhand assistance.
· You must have your HR department open 24/7 so the parent company may file complaints or dump emotional baggage onto you.
· You are the primary liaison between the two heads of the parent company.
· You are the primary mediator for the parent company’s charade of a marriage.
· You will be the only subsidiary member old enough to remember your parent company’s near separation.
· Dealing with the operations of your parent company will solidify your vow to never partner with an equal subsidiary in sickness and in health. However, you must NEVER dispose this information at annual meetings, otherwise rival companies or extended, relative branches, like Auntie Anne’s, Inc., can sanctimoniously compare your brand to that of their sector, Corporation and Official Union of Sanguine Ivy-league NuisanceS (aka COUSINS). This will actively upset your parent company.
IV. Partnership Rights
Your parent company is integrated with other subsidiaries (i.e. sister company, Jennie, Co. and baby brother company, Benny, Co.). Your duty as The Eldest Daughter™ is to govern the behavior of your sister/brother companies, which will make you wish you were an only subsidiary. Agree to the following:
· Acknowledge that the sister/brother company operate independently from you and the parent company, for their terms and conditions are far more lenient.
· Have a class C license ready upon sister/brother company’s request.
· Notify sister company of dodgy partnerships (i.e. Inform Jennie, Co. that their affiliation with J.P. Morgan [Jock Playa Morgan] is not beneficial because you’ve foolishly coalesced with that wrong type of business.)
· Your sister/brother company are waived from duties concerning your parent company’s retirement (refer to Part III, 3rd bullet).
· Recommend sister/brother company to not enroll in high school AP Physics with Mr. Wang unless they enjoy work overtime.
· Acknowledge that The Eldest Daughter™ will not receive credit for influencing sister/brother company’s exponential growth in culture, movies, music, generally liberal politics, etc.
· Understand the sister/brother company can report to the parent company about any damage, harm or hogging of the Play Station you’ve violated upon them. The parent company can then hold you accountable for any conflicts (or brawls) of agreement as you’re “the oldest and should have known better than to bonk their heads together.”
· Accept that you are not the favorite subsidiary. It’s Benny, Co.
No salary due to trade-off of parent company investing time and capital into you for years.
VI. Cancellation or Termination of Your Position
You MUST check “Yes, I have read the terms and conditions and agree to sell The Eldest Daughter’s™ entire entity to Your Ménage™.”
Thank you for signing, and welcome to the business! Your Ménage™ is your family now. You will embrace this NON-NEGOTIABLE role and LEARN TO LOVE WORKING FOR YOUR FAMILY GRATIS.