Though impressive, eating and crying at the same time is not the solution.
Sweetheart, I know you’re hurting. Unrequited love sucks.
Like you, I’ve been there.
Unlike you, I got myself out of it.
But that’s not the point.
The point is, I am the angel you were looking for.
Baby Jesus has sent me from above to lead your way out of misery and to spare you the humiliation of clicking on page two of Google search results for “how to get over someone and move on with your life.”
Here’s what you need to do if you want to set that rain on fire as Adele (bless her heart) put it:
1. Keep a journal of your feelings. And of your fantasies. Go free on your daydreaming about them seeing you move in slow motion while rain is gently dripping down your face. If you don’t write everything down, you might start forgetting, and tell me: How on earth should you get over a crush if you forget you have one in the first place?
2. Stop looking at their social media accounts. If you’re like me (and you’d better be), you know them by heart already. What you need to do, is to start looking up their friends and gather as much information as possible. Build a network. Consolidate it. You can’t expect to solve a problem without having all the details of “THE PROBLEM.” This is just Math 101.
3. Cut off toxic people who fill your head with negative thoughts. You’re not delusional or obsessive or bored with your own life. You’re just not that way, okay? Whoever doesn’t realize this needs to go. Like right now.
4. Stop idealizing them. The goal is for them to idealize you. See where I’m going with this?
5. Try to limit contact with your crush. By that, I mean your contact. You should see them as little as possible, yet make sure they see you. Go out of your way to get in their way. Discretely, of course. Have an attractive companion by your side at all times who could be easily taken as your partner. Carefully instruct them to laugh constantly. Funny is sexy and your boo needs to get an idea of how funny you are.
6. Dive into new hobbies. Remember that dance class you always wanted to take? Fuck that. Find out what your puppy love is into and beat them at their own game. Play it cool though. As if you were always into whatever boring-ass activities they enjoy doing. Now get yourself out of those repulsive sweatpants and show that bitch who’s the real Dungeon Master.
7. Have some fun nights out with friends. Your crush’s friends. Time goes by and rumours of your charming personality will spread like wildfire. Make their friends think you’re a match made in heaven and then watch peer pressure do its magic.
8. Remember that everything is a matter of patience and acceptance. Give your crush some space to reflect on how awesome you are. Preferably somewhere quiet, like your living room or garage (basements are so last century!). It’s just a matter of time until they’ll admit that they’re the one having a crush on you. Once this happens, you’ll finally realize how utterly boring they are and move on with your life.
You’re so welcome.
Oh, and don’t forget to let them go. Not just metaphorically.