8-9 a.m. Get dressed, eat, face touching.

9-10 a.m. Language Arts: write a speech about the virus using the following words: China, responsible, demand, apology. Bonus points if the speech is short enough that an incompetent world leader could deliver it in fewer than 12 sniffs.

Language Arts (gifted and talented, males only): complete this sentence as it applies to COVID-19: “Well, actually…”

10-10:30 a.m. Geology: study a map of Africa and find deNile.

10:30-11 a.m. Art: learn how to apply orange foundation to resemble Dear Leader.

11 a.m.-12 p.m. Math: compute how much profit you’ll make selling stockpiled hand sanitizer to saps who only bought one bottle because they were saving some for those who are most compromised, those losers.

Math (gifted and talented): repackage Tums into single-dose packets and compute how much profit you’re going to make selling them as a cure. Check Jim Bakker’s website for marketing tips.

12-1 p.m. Lunch at the busiest restaurant in town.

1:30-2 p.m. Gym: race through the square licking every railing you see.

2-2:30 p.m. Technology: leave comments on Breitbart making sure to troll the libs, oh, haha, the sky is falling, whatevs. Bonus points for quoting scripture.

2:30-3 p.m. Social Studies: look at how past epidemics were contained by social distancing, then “close the borders” of your sister’s room by locking her in there, not because she has symptoms but because she once took Spanish as an elective.

3-3:01 p.m. Science.

3:02-3:30 p.m. Music: Practice fiddle while thinking of Rome.

3:31 p.m.-? Field trip to nursing home.