Coronavirus Quarantine Schedule For Woman Who Was Already Depressed

woman wearing face mask
Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on

11 AM- Belinda wakes up with breadcrumbs strewn across her cleavage. She unabashedly licks them off with an unbrushed tongue. Thank God a global pandemic came ’round to justify my joblessness, she thinks.

12 PM- Belinda busts out stained solo cup she finds under her bed and waltzes over to the box of red wine on her dresser. Belinda lifts her cup to herself and whispers, “To the virus that keeps on giving!”

1 PM- Belinda texts all three of her former fuckbois and writes, “Quarantine sex?” None of them respond. She follows up with a text that says, “End of days ass?” Again, no response. She sends one final mass text to her fuckbois that reads, “If I got corona and died would you care?” Sadly, no response.

2 PM- Belinda tries to learn Shallow on the keyboard. She gets through the first verse and then places her mouth under the boxed wine spout to celebrate.

3 PM- Belinda listens to Solange in a  near blackout and screams, ” Beyonce is trash!” A broom bangs on her floor from the apartment below to silence her. She questions her adversarial attitude toward the R&B queen. She must be drunk, she thinks.

4 PM- Belinda orders a large cheese pizza, a penne a la vodka dish, and a tiramisu from the only Italian restaurant that’s still open in the apocalypse. When the food arrives she grabs onto the delivery man’s surgical gloved hand to feel something. Belinda admits that the hygienic handhold did not make her feel something.

5 PM- Belinda calls her mom and says she’s depressed about corona. Her mom reminds her that Belinda has been isolating herself for months, long before the rise of covid 19.

6 PM- Belinda turns on Gossip Girl and realizes in a drunken stupor and pasta induced coma, that Chuck is in fact, a rapist.

7 PM- Belinda continues to binge Gossip Girl despite this sad realization. She simultaneously spends a full hour on Ed Westwick’s instagram page.

8 PM- Belinda, now well into season 5 of Gossip Girl and three quarters of the way into her dwindling box of wine, does a line of blow off her vibrator. Who knew a pandemic could be so hard on a woman? Granted, Belinda has been doing coke alone for years now.

9 PM-  While finding out that Idris Elba has coronavirus, Belinda eats tiramisu off her own stomach.

10 PM- Belinda googles, “should I try to contract coronavirus for attention?” and decides to go for a gloveless and maskless train ride.

11 PM- A fuckboi named Bobby responds to Belinda’s desperate corona fuck text. “Who’s this?” he writes.


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