The Rapid Spread Of Podcasts Are Causing A Global Panic

They’re everywhere. All efforts to contain them have failed greatly. It’s not limited to certain areas of the world; it’s a global epidemic. Podcasts are infecting people the world-over. These are just some of the latest findings from the WHO’s press conference this afternoon.

For many years the virus was contained, relegated to a few niche shows and MP3 files of inane morning-zoo DJ chatter. Over the past few years new strains have emerged that have led to podcasts affecting everyday life. There are fears that someday soon almost everyone will listen to and have their own podcast.

The W.H.O. has no unanimous theory on where the true outbreak started. One group tried to say that it all started with Conan O’Brien’s podcast, but this was quickly debunked. They did offer these five prevailing patient-zero theories:

-Patient Zero-One: Funny-Man-Finding-Himself Interview Format: This strain has a very quick infection time. And studies have shown that most people actually choose to infect themselves quicker with this podcast because they accelerate the process by fast-forwarding through the first fifteen minutes to “get to the good part.”

-Patient Zero-Two: Improv Comedy: A large amount of the population will not have to worry about this strain because they are genetically pre-disposed to not wanting to listen to it. However, a very specific part of society will not only become infected, but also seek out every possible mutation of this strain. They’ll listen to a new version simply because a favorite comedian from one show will appear on another. The “PFT” version has been known to infect large swaths of people at once.

-Patient Zero-Three: Unwanted Investigations of Horrific Crimes With No New Conclusions: This strain comes in short bursts that normally infect large groups of people very rapidly. Fortunately, symptoms end normally after episode 6 when it becomes clear that the virus has no real resolution and eventually the patient recovers. However, once this strain has infected a person they are easily susceptible to next year’s strain of the same virus.

-Patient Zero-Four: Joe Rogan: This one had such a drastic effect that Tesla’s stocks dropped 6% after people saw how ill Elon Musk was while appearing on the show. This is one of the few strains to also have second-hand effects. Many that are infected will try to get the non-infirm sick by forcing them to listen to the latest “mind-altering” episode.

-Patient Zero-Five: Talking About Things You Love or Hate: These strains scratch a different itch but ultimately serve the same purpose. Which is to say things that you already believe so you can unconsciously nod your head in agreement with earbuds in. It can also cause outbursts of “I love that Star Wars,” or “I hate that Star Wars.”

There are many new strains of the virus that have evolved from the ones mentioned above like: game shows, scripted plays, informative non-fiction, commentaries on old shows and/or podcasts, numerous political shows, and whatever Dax Shepard is doing.

The W.H.O. shared the numerous ways that the infection is spreading. Generally, people become infected on their phones; whether Apple or Android, doesn’t seem to have any effect on the outcome. There are many delivery methods on phones as well. Some dare-devils that wish to be infected with rarer strains of the virus even pay a premium to get hit with exclusive Patreon viruses. The old effects of the free virus don’t seem to affect them anymore. Anti-Vaxxers have set up “infection” parties where they gather in local theaters seeking out a podcast live on the stage. These clusters become infected on the spot.

There was some positive news from the latest government update. There are a few demographics who seem to be unfazed by this nightmare: anyone age 50 and up, babies, the deaf, and some girlfriends. As of now scientists still don’t know why they aren’t affected. Those age 50 and up who were interviewed said they, “do not know what radio station or time that it’s on.” And that some girlfriends “just do not like podcasts. Okay?” This paper reached out to both babies and the deaf, but at this time have received no response.

The WHO has recommended some steps to avoid the spread of podcasts and becoming infected yourself.

-Social Assembling: People tend to listen to podcasts when they’re alone; because of this, they are urging people to hang out with friends and family. Don’t stay in for the night. Carpool to work and chat.

-Wash Your Devices: All phones, tablets, and computers that are subscribed to podcasts will continue to be the primary way of becoming infected. That’s why you should wipe each of them free of podcasts whenever they’re downloaded.

-Listen to Physical Media Music: This is the safest way to still “listen” to things. Streaming services are too risky because they also house podcasts that are too accessible.

More to come as this global pandemic continues to have a large effect the world over. We will be bringing you the latest from the CDC on this well designed and highly functioning website. If you or your business wants a better website try Squarespace. Use code PODCASTPANDEMIC for 5% off your next purchase.

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