1. Do you want to order takeout, or would you rather eat our third frozen pizza of the day? And if we order out, do you want to pick it up? I think your immune system’s stronger than mine is right now, so it would probably be better if you went.
2. I have a video chat with my boss in ten minutes, so if you could wait until after it’s over to play that Megadeth record, that would be helpful.
3. If this $1,000 stimulus check comes through, I’m buying our neighbors a muzzle for their dog and literally anything they want to cook that’s not fish.
4. Are you sure it’s my turn to scoop out the litterbox? Really? Aren’t there CDC guidelines against that right now?
5. Amazon is restricting imports to their warehouses, so if you want to do any more drunk online ordering, it’s going to have to be tonight.
6. No honey, I don’t want to listen to any more Thy Art is Murder, but thank you for checking with me first.
7. I can’t wait to see how many people cry on the new Big Brother episode when the producers tell them about coronavirus.
8. Since our trip for that concert’s been cancelled, do you want to hear me play “Freebird” on acoustic?
9. If Kristina posts one more picture of her feet in fuzzy socks with “#WFH,” I’m going to throw my phone in the toilet.
10. What’s that? No, I’m not burning the Monopoly! board in the sink because I lost again.
11. Could you try to not use so much toilet paper? Please don’t even think about blaming my cooking.
12. I miss our friends.