by Jackson Weaver
Hello, I am David Richardson, and I will be designing the eleventh hole at this new golf course. I know my background is in put-put golf course architecture, but I think you will find my proposal more than appropriate.
The hole starts at the tee, which is placed within a dimly lit cave. It may be hard to see initially, but that’s why all the balls are neon. It is vitally important that they are all different because everyone tees off at once.
A neat feature of the cave: one of the golfers will be chosen at random to be attacked by a pirate. This means that they will have to wear an eye patch for their first three strokes. Also, their caddy will be replaced with a wise-cracking parrot.
As the balls are driven out of the cave, they should soar through the air, flying about three hundred yards, straight into the water. Usually water is bad in golf, as most of you know, but this stream will actually guide the balls down to the putting green. After that, all the golfers have to do is make simple putt into one of two holes, each of which lead to two completely separate golf courses.
The left hole will take the golfer to a course where every shot is uphill, so a hole in one is essentially required. Three penalty strokes can be taken to replace your ball with a cube that doesn’t slide.
The right hole will take you to a standard fairway, about one hundred yards from the hole. All golfers have to do is hit the ball through an authentic 1600’s Dutch style windmill.
As for par, I completed the hole in 643 strokes, but I only used a plastic putter, so we can set it to be a par 5.