(This brief interview with the Devil about inventing Monday mornings originally aired on WKMI’s local radio station in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Contrary to news reports, no reporters were harmed during the making of this broadcast, only during the editing—and even then, it only meant someone needed to be exorcised… What happened later to the exorcists is not the responsibility of this news organization. This interview has been edited for clarity and has been exorcised for caution.)
Reporter: Here at WKMI in Baton Rouge, we are showcasing the lesser-known inventors of lesser-known inventions. Today, we are talking with the creator of Monday mornings, the Devil himself. Thank you for being here with us today.
Devil: Thanks for having me, Dave.
Reporter: Now, Mr. Devil…
Devil: Please, call me Satan, Mr. The-Spirit-That-Now-Worketh-In-The-Children-Of-Disobedience Satan.
Reporter: Now, Mr. the-spirit… (Pause)… Satan… your invention, Monday morning, has gotten a lot of publicity. Why did you invent Monday mornings?
Devil: Well, Dave, it was the idea of giving everyone the same feeling of dread, defeat, exhaustion and utter hopelessness right at the start of their week. It seemed right to me that destroying people’s hope and confidence right out the gate was just the sort of evil thing a Devil, like myself, gets off on.
Reporter: And do you?
Reporter: Get off on it?
Devil: No, of course not. I’m no sadist.
Reporter: How did you come up with the idea?
Devil: I think I was in the middle of basking in a fiery pit… Oh, you know what, it wasn’t a fiery pit now that I think of it. No, it was while I was on hold with my health insurance. Well, I was waiting and contemplating how I could make everyone feel as miserable as I felt as I waited when it hit me… And I said to myself, “How can I create something as terrible as being on-hold?”
Reporter: Yes, some people say that being on-hold is the work of the Devil.
Devil: I wish that was the case. Trust me… But anyway, that’s when it hit me like a bolt of lightning. Monday mornings.
Reporter: Some have characterized Monday mornings as evil and nefarious times that can only be survived by sleeping in or with a very big cup of coffee. How do you respond to that sort of criticism?
Devil: Thank you.
Reporter: Is it true that you own some stock in coffee businesses?
Devil: And the Sleep Number bed, yes. One must make profit and gain off the misfortunes of others.
Reporter: You originally placed an application at the local patent office in B.C.E. 0 for your invention, but I believe that there was a similar claim filed by your contemporary and counterpart, God.
Devil: I prefer adversary.
Reporter: Sorry, your adversary, God. His claim was filed a year before yours.
Devil: That’s correct. He did invent the day, but the day as we know it—Monday mornings as we know them—that’s all me. All inventions need innovation, Dave, and that’s what Monday mornings are. They’re a take on the day created by God and optimized for… well, evil and mischievous purposes.
Reporter: Some say Monday mornings aren’t too bad. What do you say to these people?
Devil: I’ll see you in Hell. (Pause) These are probably the same people who wake up at the crack of dawn energized. I’ve got a special place for them when they shuffle off this mortal coil.
Reporter: Well, thank you for being here. I hope to talk to you soon.
Devil: That’s what I thought.
Reporter: Well, that about sums it up this Monday morning. I will be with you again tomorrow discussing another lesser-known invention by a lesser-known inventor: the bolt of lightening invented by Zeus, King of the Gods.
(This article is in memory of Dave, who was struck by an oncoming bolt of lightning soon after—which had nothing whatsoever to do with this or any former or subsequent interview.)