Post-Apocalyptic Craigslist

by Stav

Just because society is over doesn’t mean Craigslist isn’t. We still have needs, kind of.

Today’s listings:

1. Pay me and I can kill you if you want.  Let’s face it: something fucked up is probably going to happen to you within the next five years, just like it already has to everyone you used to know and love. Why not just end it now?

Depending on the type and amount of your payment, I can provide a wide variety of death experiences, such as cyanide poisoning ($20,000), just hitting you with my car ($600 plus gas, which you will provide), and arranging electrocution through our supreme overlord ($30,000 commission fee plus however much the overlord charges for the procedure. Average six-month wait time.)  Burial services (recommended) will cost extra.

If you need proof this is legit I can provide references of family members of other people I’ve killed, they are all glad to vouch for me.

2. Found: document? Does anyone know what this is?  Hopefully it’s nothing useful, (someone I asked who’s good with antiques told me it’s “very useless,” but it looks somewhat official?) in any case I really have no idea.  If it’s yours, let me know and I can meet sometime next week to get it to you.

3. Flamethrower for sale: Super effective against attacks (even group and pre-planned attacks) on your underground bunker or your first-born back! Cost: all your children.

4. Imitation food for sale: May or may not be safe for human consumption, primarily meant to help one reminisce about the days when we had civilization and therefore decent tasting food before the “event.” Cost: negotiable, would accept 1 cow or at least 15 chickens in exchange.

5. Does anyone want to try to fix this road with me next week? We may not have society any more but we still use this. I’m willing to go try to patch it up but could use some help clearing the road of human remains first. Am free before the evening flood every day next week, hit me up and we can figure out when to meet.

6. In search of roommate:  In search of a roommate for a two-bedroom bunker in Cincinnati 2. Requirements: cleanly, okay with me having friends over once per week, must not hunt me for sport. Pets welcome.  

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