Badges For That One Girl Who Never Quit Girl Scouts

Most children leave the Girl Scouts program after realizing they can actually go directly home after school instead of spending an hour in the basement of their local parish house. But every year, one girl decides she looks too good in the bright green vest to give it up. So, the troop moms need to continually create badges for her to earn as she ages and refuses to find a new after-school activity, like books or drugs.

Babysitter Badge
You can earn this badge by babysitting the other girls currently in Girl Scouts. They are much younger than you, and the troop moms could really use a break.

Fight with Your Mom Badge
Growing up is hard. Earning badges is easy. All you need to do is slam the bedroom door in your mom’s face.

Get Your Period Badge
Like the “Nature Explorer” badge, “Get Your Period” encourages a Girl Scout to explore mother nature’s most natural quality: fertility. Unlike the “Nature Explorer” badge, proof of completion is optional.

Reconcile with Your Mom Badge
Open the bedroom door. Receive badge.

Choose College Over Your Boyfriend Badge
Priorities are a big part of Girl Scouts. You learn to value friends, sitting in circles, and Thin Mints above all else. Applying these lessons when picking a college may cost you a boyfriend, but you have been trying to fill that empty spot on your vest for months now.

Voting Badge
This is an “I Voted” sticker. Please do not attempt to iron it onto your vest.

Women Can Have it All Badge
Not many women can balance a new marriage, a full time job, and their daily commitment to attending Girl Scouts meetings. Neither can you. This is why you work part-time and force the entire accounting office to purchase cookies from you.  

Efficiency in Senior Living Care Badge
Under the “First-Aid” umbrella, this badge is earned when you have successfully researched local senior living communities for your parents and chosen the one which is closest to the Girl Scout meeting house.

My Daughter is Now a Girl Scout, Too, and I Think I Just Started Menopause Badge
This badge is pretty self-explanatory. It’s also the last one you can earn before forced retirement from your troop. Please, no one needs to see your hot flashes. There are children here trying to sing.

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